Italian Leader Tightens His Belt in Euro Crisis, and Undoes It Frequently
ROME, 2011-11-08 — The Italian Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi, is fighting to save his government as investors renewed pressure on him to step down. He denied reports that he was planning to resign in a telephone call made from his villa near Milan, where he was staying with his two children and six 18-year old young girls, one of whom was later named a Minister in his Cabinet. Continued...
IMF Chief’s Favorite Drink? Minute Maid
NEW YORK, 2011-06-01 — Former IMF head, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, known as DSK, has long been known in France for having a fondness for hotel chambermaids. Continued...
Forget the Birther Issue; Is Obama a Sunni or a Shiite?
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2011-05-22 — After President Obama’s abandoned Israel in a foreign policy speech this week, Middle East experts have begun to debate whether he is a Sunni or a Shiite. “He is finally letting his Muslim roots come out,” said Eliot Abrams, a senior fellow for Middle East studies at the Council on Foreign Relations in Washington, D.C. “so the questions is whether he is a Sunni or a Shiite.
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Glow-in-the-Dark Japanese Sushi a Big Hit
TOKYO, Japan, 2011-05-13 — The contamination of food from radiation leaked by Japan’s failing nuclear reactors has a surprising bright spot: sales of glow-in-the dark sushi are skyrocketing. Continued...
State Stops Services to Public, Using All Tax Revenue to Pay Salaries and Pensions
CHICAGO, Illinois, 2011-04-01 — Illinois has decided to shut down all services to the public and to focus all of its tax revenue on paying the salaries and pensions of public employees. Governor Pat Quinn said that pensions had risen to the point that the state could no longer afford to maintain services to the public. Continued...
Obama Says There is a US Goal in Libya, But Declines to Reveal It
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2011-03-25 — In an address to the Nation, President Obama - accused by many of failing to explain the U.S. goal for the military intervention in Libya - said there was a U.S. goal in Libya, but now was not the time to reveal it. “We do not want to give that information to our enemies,” he said, referring not only to Republicans but also to the national press corps. Continued...
In Address to the Nation, Obama Calls for Civility from Mentally Disturbed
TUCSON, Arizona, 2011-01-12 — In a perfectly pitched address that soothed and comforted the Nation and will become the defining moment of his Presidency, President Obama offered condolences to the victims of the shootings by the attempted assassin of Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, and called on the mentally disturbed to be more civil in their discourse.
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Supreme Court Rules There Cannot be a Nativity Scene at the Capitol Building
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2010-12-20 — The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene at the Capitol Building this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find three wise men in Washington. Continued...
Taliban Refuses to Fight U.S. Army Because of Openly Gay Policy
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN, 2010-12-18 — In an unintended consequence of the lifting of the "Don't ask, Don't Tell"¯ policy in the U.S. armed services, the Taliban is refusing to go in to battle against the U.S. Army in Afghanistan, now that it is permitting openly gay men to serve. "Gays are so disgusting that we refuse to fight them,"¯ said a Taliban leader. "We hang gays. We don't want to come into contact with them. We may be contaminated. Or tempted."
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U.S. Ambassadors Are Thrilled by WikiLeaks
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2010-12-10 — U.S. ambassadors and consular officials are thrilled by the leaks from Julian Assange's WikiLeaks. In the past, their cables and reports from the field were rarely read by anyone in the State Department. Now they are being read by millions of people worldwide. Continued...
Fareed Zakaria: "America is Going Down the Toilet, But I Love Living Here"
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2010-11-18 — Fareed Zakaria, host of CNN's GPS, says America is going down the toilet. In his book, The Post-American World, Zakaria says America is on the decline, a decline that cannot be reversed. "That being said, I do love living in America. I do not want to live anywhere else. They would cut my tongue out if I said what I say elsewhere."
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After the Mid-Term Elections, Michelle Is Not Proud of America Anymore
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2010-11-06 — The mid-term elections have soured Michelle's mood on the country. After saying, when her husband was elected to the Presidency, "for the first time in my adult lifetime I'm really proud of my country," she now says she is no longer proud of America. Continued...
'Rally for Sanity' Rails Against Extremists Who Want to Balance the Budget
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2010-10-30 — Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert held their Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear in Washington, D.C. today, and warned the nation that extremists are trying to reduce spending and balance the budget. "The level of discourse in Washington is at an all-time low,"¯ said Stewart, in a manner that critics might describe as sanctimonious but which his supporters knew was sincere. "Some politicians are calling for fiscal restraint. That's insane. What's more, some cable channels talk 24-hours a day about how we should balance the budget and live within our means. They are engendering fear!"
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Lonely Man Pleased to Get Computer-Generated 'Happy Birthdays'
SOMEWHERE, USA, 2010-09-13 — "I didn't get any birthday greetings from real people,"¯ he said, "so it cheered me up to receive the computer generated ones." Continued...
Obama Denies He is a Muslim, Issues a Fatwa
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2010-08-29 — With polls showing that one in five Americans think he is a Muslim, President Obama issued a denial that he was one. He also issued a fatwa against people voting to give the keys back to the Republicans. Continued...
Obama on Mosque is Out of Touch ... With How Bigoted Americans Are
President Obama inserts his finger into a Muslim's ass at prayer service
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2010-08-14 — President Obama has created a political controversy for himself by weighing in on the issue of whether a mosque should be built at Ground Zero in New York. He was attacked as being out of touch with most Americans. "Obama is so out of touch ... with how bigoted Americans are,"¯ said Fuzzie Shrapner, a white male in his 20s. "Polls are very clear that Americans dislike Muslims." Continued...
BP Plan to Drill in Deep Water off Libya Seen as British Plan to Destroy Libya's Tourism
LONDON, 2010-07-24 — "Our safety and environmental standards will be just as high as they were in the Gulf of Mexico,"¯ said a BP spokesman, "and we have a contingency plan if the unthinkable happens. The plan includes not using phrases such as 'I'm looking forward to getting my life back' and 'We care about the small people.'"¯ Continued...
Obama Hails Disastrous Jobs' Report as "Progress ... Towards Eliminating the Private Sector"
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2010-07-03 — President Obama hailed Friday's jobs' report, in which 142,000 people lost their jobs and 652,000 people left the workforce, a stunning combined total of almost 800,000 workers idled in one month. Obama said the economy was "moving in the right direction ... which is the elimination of the private sector."¯ Continued...
Another Fat Lesbian Appointed to Supreme Court
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2010-05-10 — President Obama has nominated a second fat lesbian to the Supreme Court. "After she is confirmed," Obama said, "the Court will comprise not only two lesbians but also six Catholics and three Jews. That reflects the fabric of America."¯ Continued...
Obama Urges Students to Share Their Grades With Other Students
ANN ARBOR, Michigan, 2010-05-02 — In a commencement speech to students at the University of Michigan, President Obama urged students to share their grade point averages with other students. "If you racked up a 3.9 GPA, you should share some of those points with less able students, and students that did not study as hard,"¯ said Obama. "We have to take care of the less able."¯
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South Park Creators Think Times Square Bomb Scare Was Really Funny
NEW YORK, 2010-05-01 — Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the creators of South Park, thought it was really cool that a Pakistani man tried to explode a bomb outside the Viacom headquarters in Times Square, New York, after they aired an episode depicting Mohammad in a bear suit. Continued...
Forget Google; Bongo News is Banned in China!
SHENZEN, China, 2010-03-27 — By Jack Palethorpe, Bongo News' Movie Critic. I came to China to attend the My Poo Film Festival, but I have a much bigger, breaking news story to report. While Google is embroiled in a faceoff with China over its refusal to censor the news and is daring China to shut down its site, I have discovered that China has already blocked access to Bongo News! Continued...
Thin People To Pay Health Costs of Fat People
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2010-03-24 — Now that the nation has nearly universal health care coverage, it has emerged that a provision inserted into the bill will require thin people to pay a higher premium for health insurance in order to pay for the myriad of costly diseases that fat people create for themselves. Continued...
After Passing Health Care, Reps Look Forward to Learning What They Voted For
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2010-03-23 — "What we did was historic," said Leon Pancetta, D - Michigan. "No doubt about it. I look forward to learning what we actually did." Continued...
Porn Star Ron Jeremy Forms the "Teabagging Party"
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2010-03-14 — Porn star Ron Jeremy has announced his plan to form a "Teabagging Party" in an effort to bring a better understanding between the Republicans and Democrats. "I think Mr. Jeremy is on to something here,"¯ said House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi. "I'd like to see those Republicans get teabagged."
Cambridge Professors Say Global Cooling is Due to Global Warming, No Fraud This Time
CAMBRIDGE, England, 2010-02-25 — Scientists at Cambridge University in England say that the abnormally cold winter being experienced in the United States and Europe is due to global warming. "This may seem counter intuitive to ordinary mortals,"¯ said one of the Cambridge professors, "¯but when you are from Cambridge it makes sense." Continued...
Toyota's Problems Caused by Trying to Copy the Movie 'Thelma and Louise'
TOKYO, 2010-02-07 — Japanese automaker, Toyota, has filed a lawsuit against the Ford Motor Company for inducing it to increase the acceleration of its vehicles, leading to a massive recalls of its automobiles. Toyota said, "Ford led us down a garden path by arranging for the movie Thelma and Louise to show off their great accelerator which we naturally stole... er ... made our own version." Continued...
Sarah Palin Thought the FOX Network Was Named After Her
I always keep a yardstick handy in case someone asks me how far I'm willin' to go (wink)
NEW YORK, 2010-01-18 — Negotiations between Sarah Palin and the FOX Network almost broke down when Ms. Palin learned that FOX had been the name of the network for many years, and was not based on her. Continued...
The Three Tenors Sing About Haiti
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2010-01-16 — Obama: "As Rahm said this morning, 'never allow a humanitarian crisis to go to waste.'" Bush: "I have a nickname for Haiti: Hate It." Clinton: "I was in those hotels that collapsed. I had sex in them." Continued...
Reid: I'm Sorry I Said Obama Was Light-Skinned; He's Actually Blue Around the Mouth
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2010-01-09 — "OK,"¯ said Reid, "so he is not so light-skinned after all. He is actually quite dark-skinned, and the area around his mouth is so dark it is almost blue. It's creepy. And those cold eyes! Ever notice how cold his dark eyes get when he's not smiling? Scares the bejesus out of me!"¯ Continued...
