BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. APRIL 28, 2004 Copyright © 2001-2017 Bongo News, Inc.
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MRI Scans Reveal Republicans and Democrats Have Different Brains

LOS ANGELES — Researchers at the UCLA, using an MRI machine to scan people's brains, have concluded that Republicans and Democrats have entirely different brains. "This explains the political beliefs and voting patterns of people," said the lead researcher, Dr. Joe Mengele.

Research subjects were shown photos of nuclear explosions and extreme violence. The amygdala, the portion of the brain that responds to threats, showed more activity in Democrat brains than in Republican brains, indicating that Democrats are more averse to war and violence than Republicans are.

When shown photographs of President Bush, most Republican brains showed activity in their pleasurable emotional centers. However, when shown videotapes of speeches by John Kerry, most Republican brains showed activity in their rational centers, as they rationally rejected Kerry's arguments.

By contrast, Democrat brains showed activity in the pleasure centers when shown rants by Howard Dean, speeches by Dick Gephardt about raising taxes, and clips of Kerry saying "bring it on!"

But the biggest surprise to some researchers, but not all, was that Democrat brains have no rational area.

"Democrat brains also have a dead area of the brain associated with religious beliefs and obedience to laws," said Dr. Mengele. "However, when the Democrats were subjected to painful electric shocks, this dead area began to show signs of activity, indicating that they can be trained."

"This research opens up new possibilities of performing experimental surgery on Democrats to change their voting patterns," said John Ashcroft, "and also in using MRI scans in deciding which babies to abort."

Emma Dubin

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