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www.bongonews.com MAY 26, 2004 Copyright © 2001-2017 Bongo News, Inc.
   
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Michael Moore Wins Admiration of the French and Other Spineless Jellyfish for 'Fahrenheit 9/11'


dance
Moore was disappointed that, after bulking up on Big Macs for a role in Super Size Me, he did not get the part

PARIS — Michael Moore, who is to America's blue-collar worker what France is to resistance, received the Palme d'Or at this years' Cannes Film Festival for his documentary, Fahrenheit 9/11.

The film details accusations that President Bush ignored telegrams from the Taliban telling exact details of the September 11 attacks, spawned the common cold, masterminded the sinking of the Titanic, created SPAM to undermine Al Gore's brilliant invention, was behind the Kennedy assassination, produced Mad Cow disease by copulating with a cow, and is responsible for uncontrolled obesity in millions of Americans who thought slam-dunking Big Macs would vault them into the US Olympic swim team.

Moore, who has replaced Jerry Lewis as "˜most beloved bloated American snob' in France, thanked his fellow anti-personal hygiene hypocrites for the award. "To earn the praise of the valiant French people means everything to me. With your help, we'll defeat the evil of George Bush! We won't give up until we've won!!" The enthusiastic French crowd of over 3,000 cheered wildly, but almost immediately began waving white handkerchiefs and offering unconditional surrender to three people who were charging the obese filmmaker onstage.

"What have you done?" cried Moore, but the crowd was already stampeding in horror from the three, who turned out to be Will Smith, Angelina Jolie and Jack Black riding a 14 foot inflatable shark to promote their upcoming animated feature, Shark Tale.

Black shot Moore with a spear gun and was reloading for another shot when French security services, regaining their composure, called the American embassy for assistance. By this time, however, the crowd had fled to neighboring Switzerland, and Black, Smith, Jolie and the rubber shark were later seen marching victoriously beneath the Arc de Triumph.

Steven Spielberg immediately announced plans for a sequel, Shark Tale II: Quest for Moore Blubber, to be released early next year.

Mark Fisher
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