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In "Because I Could," Clinton Reveals Reasons for Intern Invasions


book signing

NEW YORK — Former President Bill Clinton's autobiography, as overweight as he himself claims he was as a child in Arkansas, went on sale this week amid a wave of publicity as powerful as an Oval Office hum-job.

The book chronicles the former First Fornicater's life from his boyhood experiences with young, ugly girls to his early political experiences with young, ugly girls and his two terms as US President and related experiences with young, ugly girls.

In a soul-baring declaration of self-loathing, Clinton reveals horrifying inner demons that haunted him throughout his adult life.

"I was chubby," Clinton divulges, "Other children would make fun of me, calling me 'Fatso' or 'Lard-Ass' or 'Teeny-Weenie.' Well, forget the last one. Anyway, it hurt me deeply, and for many years I masked my pain in the only way I knew how; getting blowjobs from ugly women. But, it didn't make the pain go away. Well, it did for a little while, actually. I thought once I got married things would be better. Lord knows Hillary was ugly enough, but she's kinda lacking in the Tubesteak Tonsillectomy department, if you know what I mean. Once I got to the White House I thought, 'Hey, I'm the freaking President. I can bang anybody I want!' So naturally I picked out a 21 year-old chubby intern to play Probe the President with. I did it because I could. I think McDonald's may have had a lot to do with my actions. I was a victim."

Clinton remains steadfast in his belief that he did not lie when he told the American people, "I did not have sex with that woman."

"I believed that definition of 'sexual relations' enabled me to say that," explains the ex-President. "Ms. Lewinsky and I did not have sex. She blew me. There was nothing sexual about it, not the first time, not the last time, and not the sixty-seven times in between."

Mr. Clinton says he's still recovering from his "feeling of embarrassment and low self-esteem" as a result of being a disgusting fat kid, but says he's leaned to deal with his pain more positively.

"Instead of just acting on misguided impulse, I've learned to say, 'I'm a victim. Blow me.' It's difficult, but it's part of the healing process."

Mark Fisher
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Read these related stories:

McDonald's Announces its Burgers Have Long Contained Cow Brains (21-Jan-04)

Sex, Lies and Hillary's Book (11-Jun-03)

Hillary Clinton's New Book Outsells 'Pinocchio' (11-Jun-03)

Now We Know Where Hillary Got Her Huge Thighs From (19-May-04)

Hillary on the Menu at KFC (24-Dec-03)

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