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John Kerry is Really a French Spy Named 'Jean Le Karre'
DIJON, France Jean Le Karre was born in Le Log Cabin in Le Dijon, France in 1929. His parents were "Les Stick Figures," each 6 feet 11 inches tall and weighing 86 pounds. It was a stark existence in Le Dijon in the 30's. The family would often huddle around a fireplace filled with logs from the cabin walls, eating the only food available - Le Dijon mustard. The infant Jean, nearly 5 feet tall at birth, received the nickname "Dee Jon" from a local bully, somewhat retarded, who not only consumed vast quantities of mustard but also ate the jars themselves. The retarded boy's name was Fermez "¦ Fermez La Bush - loosely translated the name means "Shut your pie hole."
Fermez' parents would often hit their rascal on the head for his endless unintelligible chatter and because he began rolling mustard into cigarettes which he would then smoke. Unfortunately, Fermez suffered the effects of chronic mustard gas poisoning and continued to speak unintelligibly. Later in life, he was seized with delusions that he had been elected to be the ruler of the land English colonists stole from the Indians and bought from Napoleon. Fermez also became obsessed with a psychotic mission to "find mustard gas buried in Ancient Babylon."
Le Karre in his youth became a tailor in Paris. So nimble was he with his sewing that leaders from throughout Europe would come to his shop to get their suits altered. Churchill, de Gaulle, Mussolini, Stalin, even Hitler as a transvestite, would stop by. Because of his superior ability in adjusting hems, zippers and letting out the waist to give a president or dictator "a scoatch more room," they began calling him "˜Chief.' Le Karre learned through inductive reasoning that what these leaders were really telling him was that he was not only Chief of Sewing, he was Chief of a Future Super Power.
The years flew by and soon Le Karre was on the front lines in the French-connected Vietnam War of the '60's. Buttons were flying off the lapels of courageous French soldiers who were rushing down streets in Saigon to pick up some delicious French bread, fresh "pan" that would stick out of those wonderful grocery bags they would carry instead of guns. They would cry out, "It is best to die with 'du pan' while Le Karre sews back zee buttons." This is the kind of confusing heroism that led Jean to vacate his French persona and transform himself into a Yankee soldier in the Hanoi rice patties, "smoking dope and hitting on gook chicks," hoping one day "to do another 180-degree turn and get into Jane Fonda's pants at some anti-war rally in Frisco."
Le Karre did in fact initiate a political career in the '70's as the American "˜John Kerry.' He parlayed his schizoid tendencies to the cheers of Anything Goes. Massachusetts' voters elected him to the US Senate in 1984 and also elected Representative Barney Frank "˜Miss Boston' in 1987.
In the '90's Le Karre realized that he was continuing to use mustard on hamburgers at cook outs. It was time for another change. Thus, he wedded catsup heiress, Teresa Heinz, who became Teresa Heinz Ketchup after the marriage, taking the "K" from her husband's name and promising to squirt tomato paste on everything including Dan Quayle if he ever learned how to spell that particular vegetable in the plural.
This takes us up to the last few years when Le Karre, in seeking to validate the belief instilled in by European leaders, announced "I will be Zee Chief!!" He began smiling excessively in the early part of the new millennium. Deep crevices began appearing in his cheeks around his lips; ketchup would inadvertently lodge there after meals and persist in same cracks for months. By 2003, when a small child was lost in Le Karre's left frontal sinus, "˜Zee Chief' knew he needed to act. "Get me the rotting Vichyssoise," the fissure-laden leader proclaimed, "and extract some botulism so I can inject it in my face and be zee new Maurice Chevalier in zee New World." Chevalier's anthem ran endlessly in Le Karre's mind as he thought of the European leaders lined up to sing his praises while he performed same-day alterations on jackets and pants; "Ah yes "¦ I remember it well."