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Kerry Calls for More Debates, Edwards Sues
WASHINGTON, DC — With George Bush looking the likely winner in the polls but Ohio still not
declared for Bush, the candidates moved into the post-election litigation
phase. Fortunately, both the Republicans and the Democrats each saved
approximately $30 million of campaign funds for this expensive portion of
the campaign.
Seeking to increase his lead in the vote count, George Bush said his
brother, Florida Governor Jeb Bush, had found some 2,000,000 missing postal
ballots that might prove to be "weapons of mass destruction" of any hope for
John Kerry to win the election. Jeb Bush told reporters, "I found them in my
socks, and they are not just for Florida. They are for all 50 states."
John Kerry countered with a request for 50 more debates. “He can run, but he can’t hide,” Kerry said of the President. “He can’t debate, either.”
John Edwards sued all 50 State governments seeking punitive damages “because I can.”
Dick Cheney was occupied at an undisclosed location, organizing kidnapping of 50 vote counters in heavily Democratic areas, and planning a series of televised beheadings on Fox TV to terrorize other vote tabulators.
The campaigns are also unleashing new surrogates in the post-election campaign. The Kerry team feels that Bill Clinton was a useful surrogate but that Hillary Clinton, while energizing the Democratic liberal wing, alienated disaffected Republican voters whom Kerry hoped to attract. So the Kerry camp now has Monica Lewinsky campaigning alongside Bill Clinton in the post-poll phase, drawing huge crowds outside courtrooms while doing a comedy routine about thongs and cigars.
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