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NOVEMBER 3, 2004

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"Hobbit" Fossil Found: "They Threw Momma From the Treehouse," says DeVito

Dannus DeVitus dwarfis carrying a mouse

FLORES, Indonesia — Danny DeVito kissed the ground, for he had bonded with his ancestor. "I have found my great great great great great grandmother," he said. "She was my body double at 2 feet 8 inches and she was trampled to death 84,000 years ago by a pygmy elephant."

DeVito wept visibly at the additional news that his relative could have been a prehistoric actor or performer. Archaeologists discovered at the dig site that some Homo Sapien had stuffed the sheet music to Randy Newman's Short People into her hand just before the elephant stampede on her now fossilized face.

"I did not realize that song was released back then," said the diminutive actor, "but until today, they didn't realize half-pints like me were patrolling around in the dirt. For all I know, Grandma had a walk-on as a Hobbit in some Lord of the Rings play they were performing."

"Another possibility was that they used her as a version of me in a pre-historic Taxi," continued DeVito. "I could just see her screaming at some Andy Kaufman 'Latke' character in a loin cloth, who ends up doing a bowel evisceration on her 24-pound body and throwing her off the lip of the Indonesian Grand Canyon. Those Homo Whateverers were such kidders!"

Story by Van Gross MD. Photo by Mike Pasternack.

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