BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. DECEMBER 15, 2004 Copyright © 2001-2017 Bongo News, Inc.
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Barry Bonds Thought Steroids Were Flaxseed Oil and Arthritis Rub

SAN FRANCISCO — The San Francisco Chronicle reports that Barry Bonds, in his federal grand jury testimony, said he thought he was drinking flaxseed oil and using an arthritis cream, not taking steroids in liquid and cream form. The oil and rub were supplied to him by his personal trainer, who obtained them from the infamous Bay Area Laboratory Co-Operative " Balco.

While others may scoff at this defense by Bonds, Bongo News has learned that Bonds had confided in his trainer that he was frequently constipated. "When I swing for the fence," Bond told him, "I never know if the plug will hold or whether I'm going to unload on the catcher."

His trainer told him not to worry. He would get him something to make him more regular and also get him some cream to ward to any arthritis in his wrists. When Bonds said he didn't have any arthritis, his trainer said it was a precaution. "Just rub it all over your arms," he told Bonds.

So the trainer brought him flaxseed oil and arthritis cream. They worked wonders. Bonds became regular. He also became a regular home run hitter with bulging forearms.

But wasn't it suspicious that the trainer paid thousands of dollars to Balco for these normally inexpensive items?

"Barry wanted the good stuff," said his trainer. "He was sh*tting real bad " or not sh*tting at all, actually - and price was no object. Flaxseed oil also cleans out your arteries, lowers your blood pressure, and lowers cholesterol. Who knew it also helped you hit home runs!?"

Julio Cesar

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