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DECEMBER 29, 2004

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Bush Ancestor Went AWOL During the Crusades

DOVER, England — A man named George W. Bush was AWOL during most of the Crusades.

President George W. Bush has insisted that this earlier Dubya had paid his dues by way of a relative also named Bush who did some burning several centuries earlier "in front of a cat named Moses." "Wasn't that enough religious activity?" asked the Presidential shrub descendant. "Those flames were hot as hell and my cousin lost a good deal of his foliage."

In 1095, at the Council of Clermont, Pope Urban II urged European Christians to stop fighting among themselves and recapture the Holy Land from the Muslims. He promised the crusaders both spiritual and material rewards for their work. The crowd reportedly responded with shouts of "God wills it!" Thousands of people in Western Europe joined the cause. The Crusades had begun.

It was at that time that Jesus H. Bush was believed to be virgin-birthing himself a double called George W. Bush in Ye Olde Birthing Shoppe in England. "H" then became an OBGYN and early stem cell researcher. However, his clone was often seen in Ye Old Scribe Shoppe, an early version of Kinko's, where he prepared documents that revealed he had been granted a "No Crusades Card," a military pass to be a cliff diver off the White Cliffs of Dover. Companion files were to be doctored and then passed on to an ancient version of a nemesis, Daniel Infidel-Jew Rather several centuries later.

"God would have been proud of retro-me," noted the current US President, "even though I missed a few cliff diving meetings. God said he got "˜the willies' dealing with me anyway when I started the Born Again stuff, particularly since he had me pegged as a Party Boy just because I used to tie a few down in a pub in Dover. You should have seen me during those Crusades. I turned those Dover cliffs into a regular Dover Air Force Base. I was a high flyin' Dover Diver!

"Most guys were getting swords through their lung tissue in Constantinople. I was getting' my groove on in some beach party with the Knights of the Round Table, baby. Some guys were hittin' Saladin in the Holy Land. I was hittin' some Salad Bar and then gettin' wholly wasted."

Story by Van Gross MD. Graphic by Mike Pasternack.

Read these related stories:

Genealogical Study Shows a Cheney Always Carried a Bush (21-Apr-04)

Bush and Condi Have a Thing Going On (1-Dec-04)

Rover Looks For Life on Mars (18-Feb-04)

Our War Correspondent Goes Into Enemy Territory: France (19-Mar-03)

What Are Those Irish Rock Stars Doing to Those Sheep? (17-Jul-02)

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