BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. AUGUST 17, 2005 Copyright © 2001-2017 Bongo News, Inc.
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Killen is Released: "I'm Hunting Coloreds Again!"
... Full story

Admiral Stockdale Questions Peter Jennings at the Pearly Gates
... Full story

Gaza Settlers Moved to Crawford, Bush Evacuated to Connecticut
... Full story

Bush Diary - Cindy She-Man is a Bad Mom!
... Full story

Paula Abdul to Mate With the Male Population of Syria
... Full story

Photographer Shot in Ass by Britney Spears' Chewing Gum
... Full story

Creationism vs. Evolution vs. Contradictionism: The Secret Untold Story - Part II
... Full story

Slave Kitten
... Full story

Winners of the Movie Anagram Contest
Anagrams for the movie title “Pretty Persuasion”... Full story

Van Gross is Fired for Racism. Wins Award. Is Rehired.
We beg him to stop writing... Full story

All Quiet on the Western Front: George Bush
Comic book cover by blorno... Full story

Comics We'd Like to See: BC Peter Pan II
With apologies to BC... Full story

Hugo's Rash
Hugo Ballz comic strip... Full story

Demi Moore's Daughters Think That Ashton Kutcher is Gross

Demi Moore Ashton Kutcher baby Demi

"My daughters are happy for me," Demi Moore told the assembled press. "They understand Ashton and I are soul mates and share a love only God could create."

But Bongo News conducted some investigative journalism on this issue of national importance, and here is what we discovered:

"It's totally gross," says eldest daughter Rumer, 17. "OK, first they go out dancing and Mom's all dressed up in a tight dress and her boobs are, like, looking totally like soccer balls, which is cool, but there's Ashton looking totally stupid in Lucky Jeans and a totally gay polyester shirt and he's like totally showing off his hairy belly button. Gag. Then they come home and get all naked in Mom's bedroom. They say they're watching TV. Yeah, whatever!"

Moore's youngest daughter, 11, has mixed feelings for her mom's young stud muffin.

"I guess he's OK. Sometimes he tries to help with my homework, but he gets confused and we end up asking Mom. Usually she tells me to try harder and tells Ashton to go mow the lawn."

Scout, the middle daughter at 14, is less enamored with Kutcher.

"He keeps stealing my Clearasil. I can't stand it."

Actor Bruce Willis stated recently that his only concern is the happiness of his ex-wife and children.

"First chance I get I'm ripping the head off that little punk and eating it," said Willis.

Mark Fisher

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