BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. OCTOBER 26, 2005 Copyright © 2001-2017 Bongo News, Inc.
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Red Cross Uses Katrina Money for a Hostile Takeover of the Salvation Army

red rover redcrosscheck
Red Cross officials celebrate a September 11 donation which they used for a beer blast at their headquarters

WASHINGTON, DC — Aided by record donations for the Asian Tsunami and Hurricane Katrina, the American Red Cross is flush with cash and going on an acquisition binge. Its first target is the Salvation Army.

"We have a lot of money left over from our Katrina relief efforts,'" said a spokesperson for the American Red Cross. "That's because we haven't provided much relief. We don't like to spend all the money we raise for disasters. Why throw good money after bad?"

Some donors are shocked that the money they gave for specific humanitarian relief is being used for other purposes. But American Red Cross officials called that attitude naïve.

"Just because we say we need money for the Tsunami or Katrina doesn't mean we will actually spend it on the Tsunami or Katrina," said the spokesperson. "We said we needed it, we never said we would spend it. Far from it. Our business model is to attract money for disasters and then apply the money to whatever we want to. Our highly-paid lawyers tell us we can do that. So don't try to get your money back. We will destroy you if you even try!"

American Red Cross officials said they expected to be able to realize hundreds of millions of dollars of savings in the consolidation of the Salvation Army into the Red Cross.

"The Sallies waste a lot of money," said the American Red Cross spokesperson. "They have too many relief workers in the field. We will cut headcount and show them how to run a leaner organization, and how we can use the donations they receive to fund future acquisitions.

"The charity business is a very fragmented industry and someone has to consolidate it."

Emma Dubin

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