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Obese Kids Run the Risk of Broken Bones, Smelly Armpits and Wedgies
NEW YORK — A recent study has proven that overweight children (or "Chubsie-Wubsies") face more than future health problems and finding pants that fit them. They also risk broken bones from falling down a lot and breaking their fat asses, a research suggests.
"A lot of people feel that, if you're a child of extraordinary girth, the only thing you have to worry about is heart disease and maybe more than a few bed sores," said Dr. Suzie Feldblatt, director of the fatty-fatty-boombalatti program at the Multinational Institute of Annoyingly Thin Doctors Who Look at Fat Kids All Day.
"Overweight porkers of any age constantly have problems with their movement in small hallways, sitting in a seat at the movie theater, and the constant occurrence of unnecessary flatulence that usually scares the puppy."
A study led by her partner, amateur gynecologist, Dr. Brock Stuffington, found that children who were overweight were far more likely to explode into a thick ball of goo when they reached puberty. They also looked like Weebles. "Remember Weebles?" Dr. Stuffington asked. "Don't you remember Weebles? C'mon! YOU GOTTA REMEMBER WEEBLES!!!"
"I liked it when I used to jump on that there trampoline thingy," blurted out 8-year old, 453-pound child, Elmo Fiddle. "Then I broked it with my huge buttocks and done cratered a hole in da backyard." Elmo was later rushed to the hospital when he tried to use a pogo stick and accidentally started an earthquake. 43 people died.
Children such as poor Elmo (but not exactly like him, he's kinda "special") often use their obesity as an excuse to not even attempt to exercise. Hormones may also be responsible. Then again, maybe the fat bastards should just eat a salad.
Steve Strangio is a screenwriter, playwright and a comedy writer (appearing in Cracked Magazine). He is planning a new radio show featuring comedy, news and commentary.
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