The beam of light hits Elton John moments before the total annihilation of England LONDON — In a bizarre turn of events, Britain has exploded. The island nation blew up after Elton John put a ring on the finger of his partner, David Furnish. As soon as the couple got into their limo, the country was vaporized from a beam of light shot down from the heavens. From the fiery rubble that was once Britain came locusts, Darth Vader, the four horsemen of the apocalypse, Godzilla, and a zombie army bearing shepherds’ pie and pub grub, unleashed upon the world and heading to the small town of Dover, Pennsylvania.
"Now the apocalypse is coming," said Pat Robertson. “I warned you people of Dover, Pennsylvania. You are going to receive a spanking from God. Unless of course, you are a man. God would not condone such immoral behavior.”
God could not be reached for comment but, as usual, God chooses to speak though the mouth of the greatest, most honorable President of all time, George W. Bush.
"Why God smites gays and refuses to kill terrorists is anybody's guess," said President Bush. "Anyway, God told me to sign into law a ban on same-sex marriage. I think that what happened in England shows the world what will happen on our shores if men are allowed to kiss each other."
Meanwhile, Carson Kressley, star of Bravo Channel's Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, alleged that President Bush and the religious right hired fake-journalists to plant the story of Britain exploding in American papers.
The President said he did not deny planting the story in papers, but said that he has the executive power to do so.
"I spy on the American people. I know what they are reading anyway. They might as well read what I want them to."
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