BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. MAY 17, 2006 Copyright © 2001-2017 Bongo News, Inc.
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Public Supports Bush's Plan to Implant Monitors in Peoples' Heads


WASHINGTON, DC — After polls showed that the public supported the Bush administration's secret wiretapping of U.S. citizens phone calls made from the U.S. to overseas as well as its secret collection of phone numbers dialled by 200 million Americans, someone has leaked yet another Bush Administration secret plan to implant listening devices into the brains of all Americans.

But not to worry, 67% of Americans support the President's new plan.

"I support anything that reduces the risk of another 9/11," said a responsible citizen.

However, Harry Reid, the Democratic leader of the Senate, said he was concerned about his right to privacy.

"It worries me that President Bush knows from my phone records whom I've been calling "“ you know, Jack Abramoff, my pot dealer and all those hookers "“ and that he will soon know my thought processes "“ or the lack thereof. What has America come to when I no longer have the right to break the law in private and goof off during Senate committee hearings?"

President Bush spoke to the nation this week to reassure people that the government was not trolling or mining for personal information.

"We are not mining or trolling through the personal lives of millions of innocent Americans," said the President. "There are no personal lives anymore, and there are no innocent Americans.

"But America is safe. While 11 million Mexicans have entered the U.S., not a single Muslim has figured out to disguise himself as a Mexican and enter to U.S. to commit an act of terror. And we check the shoes of millions of grandmothers at airports everyday. Ask yourself why there have been no terror attacks in the U.S. since 9/11. Because Muslims don't speak Spanish, and because we thwarted all those Grandma Shoe Bomber plots!

"We collect the phone records of 200 million Americans, except for the phones operated by Qwest. Now that that has leaked, there's been a rash of phone buying at Qwest stores by people named Ali this and bin that. That is why, my fellow Americans, we have to go the ultimate step in Homeland Security, implants in every brain! Our rallying cry for the mid-term elections will be "˜No brain left behind!'"

Story by Julio Cesar and Van Gross, MD.

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