BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. MAY 17, 2006 Copyright © 2001-2017 Bongo News, Inc.
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David Blaine's Underwater Bubble Fills With Urine and Feces

david blaine David

After much fanfare and promotion, the 33-year-old illusionist, David Blaine, ended his 177 hours of immersion by being pulled in a semiconscious and decaying state from his urine and feces-filled plexiglass bubble.

Although Blaine pledged not even to think about bodily functions when he entered the bubble, they apparently demanded more attention as his odyssey developed. Physicians became concerned when it was discovered that Blaine's skin was falling off and mixing freely with his waste matter, clouding the bubble and turning it a brownish yellow color.

Remarkably, when handlers removed Blaine and he regained a modicum of consciousness, he immediately set out to break the world's record for holding one's breath. So did everyone else present.

Although Blaine relapsed into unconsciousness after only seven breathless minutes and was carried from the odiferous scene, everyone at Lincoln Center is still holding their breath hours later; this, after Blaine's giant orb of human waste tumbled from its moorings, rolled into the famous plaza and shattered on the steps before Avery Fisher Hall. Immediately impacted were several dozen unfortunate concert-goers gathered to hear the New York Philharmonic perform Ravel's Bolero, but who received a really funky "scat" performance instead.

"It was like some olfactory nightmare," wept Melena Stool just one victim of the mass beshitting. "There, suddenly before us, was this huge brown marble," as she described the two-thousand gallon plexiglass tank, "and it bounced across the plaza " right at us!"

In a related story, the Metropolitan Museum of Art has announced plans for a controversial exhibition of Blaine's photographs based on his Lincoln Center stunt, tentatively entitled, "Piss Blaine."

Sim Namore

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