BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes.
www.bongonews.com MAY 24, 2006 Copyright © 2001-2014 Bongo News, Inc.
   
» back issues

» search site

personal ad
of the week
Heather


best of
bongo news


sponsored links


Bush Receives $7.8 Billion Telephone Bill for Call Monitoring
... Full story

President Announces Guest Waterfowl Program
... Full story

Male Stripper Files Charges Against Catholic University Girls Lacrosse Team
... Full story

McCartney to Race Horse: "I Want to Hold Your Hoof"
... Full story

Christians Crucify Ron Howard
Late breaking crucifixion... Full story

Montenegro Votes to Become 7 Million Separate Nations
... Full story

Keith Richards Expected to Recovery Fully From Second Tree-Related Mishap
... Full story

Schizophrenics Given Cell Phones For Therapy, Especially in Airports
... Full story

Woman Stunned by Her Dog's Changing Hormones
... Full story

Britney Spears Proves Evolutionary Theory of Survival of the Fittest
... Full story

Ask Dr. Sawtooth: Is Katherine Harris Really a Witch?
... Full story

The Unbreakable Spell: Lindsay Lohan
Comic book cover by blorno... Full story

Hugo Ballz: Shopping Spree
Hugo Ballz comic strip... Full story

Duke Lacrosse Team Charged with Murdering 30 Iraqi Civilians


lacrosse head

DURHAM, North Carolina — In the most recent scandal involving lacrosse players, and with the support of the NSA, FBI, CIA, OSI, DAR and BSA, Federal prosecutors have filed charges against eight members of Duke University's men's lacrosse team for the murder of over 30 civilians in Iraq.

"We don't understand," said Jason Furman, team captain. "None of us was even in Iraq." Nevertheless, Federal officials insist that the team is responsible for the deaths of over 30 Iraqi civilians in what has been termed the Iraqi My Lai.

Federal prosecutors maintain that there is compelling photographic evidence showing that Furman and his "lacrosse death squad" not only participated in the gruesome attack but probably planned it as well.

"That picture is a fake," shouted Furman as bailiffs led him from the courtroom. "I was with my family, at my grandma's birthday party! We have pictures too!"

The pictures to which Furman referred, however, presented no evidence that they were taken during the time the murders were committed. Among the most damning evidence reportedly held by federal prosecutors is a photograph showing team members simultaneously holding up a severed Iraqi heads along with the front page of The New York Times for that day. There are many pictures of the macabre lacrosse game that followed the attack.

Defense Secretary Rumsfeld is reported to be relieved and reassured that the atrocities were not committed by marauding U.S. military personnel, the CIA or any of their 'outsourced' mercenary companions, but by a rogue group of insurgent lacrosse fanatics, real loose cannons in the international terrorist community.

All members of the team have been placed on academic probation until the matter is resolved. If convicted, the team members could be banned from homecoming and executed.

Sim Namore
ADVERTISEMENT

Read these related stories:

OJ Simpson Names Ted Williams as the Real Killer of Nicole (16-Jun-04)

'Coffee' Annan Says Iraq War is Illegal, Wants to Resume Oil-for-Food Scam (29-Sep-04)

Comics We'd Like to See: Wizard of Id in Iraq (8-Dec-04)

Iraq to Pull Iraqi Troops Out of Iraq (1-Feb-06)




Subscribe to Bongo News


bongo recommends

bongo news
merchandise

Subscribe to Bongo News

Copyright © 2001-2014 Bongo News, Inc. | Terms of service | Privacy policy | How to advertise | About us

The Web's Wittiest News Satire

RSS Feed


Warning: fopen(cachedpages/2543.html) [function.fopen]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/content/82/7940582/html/layout1.php on line 265

Warning: fwrite(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/82/7940582/html/layout1.php on line 266

Warning: fclose(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/82/7940582/html/layout1.php on line 267