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Duke Lacrosse Team Charged with Murdering 30 Iraqi Civilians
DURHAM, North Carolina In the most recent scandal involving lacrosse players, and with the support of the NSA, FBI, CIA, OSI, DAR and BSA, Federal prosecutors have filed charges against eight members of Duke University's men's lacrosse team for the murder of over 30 civilians in Iraq.
"We don't understand," said Jason Furman, team captain. "None of us was even in Iraq." Nevertheless, Federal officials insist that the team is responsible for the deaths of over 30 Iraqi civilians in what has been termed the Iraqi My Lai.
Federal prosecutors maintain that there is compelling photographic evidence showing that Furman and his "lacrosse death squad" not only participated in the gruesome attack but probably planned it as well.
"That picture is a fake," shouted Furman as bailiffs led him from the courtroom. "I was with my family, at my grandma's birthday party! We have pictures too!"
The pictures to which Furman referred, however, presented no evidence that they were taken during the time the murders were committed. Among the most damning evidence reportedly held by federal prosecutors is a photograph showing team members simultaneously holding up a severed Iraqi heads along with the front page of The New York Times for that day. There are many pictures of the macabre lacrosse game that followed the attack.
Defense Secretary Rumsfeld is reported to be relieved and reassured that the atrocities were not committed by marauding U.S. military personnel, the CIA or any of their 'outsourced' mercenary companions, but by a rogue group of insurgent lacrosse fanatics, real loose cannons in the international terrorist community.
All members of the team have been placed on academic probation until the matter is resolved. If convicted, the team members could be banned from homecoming and executed.