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Bush Feels He and Elvis Were Spiritual Brothers
WASHINGTON, DC "It's no secret," Bush told the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. "I could karate-kick eight-foot high piĆ±atas right out of the air at my daughters' birthday parties. Only The King could kick higher without spilling any change out of his pockets - except he could carry a tune better than me. And he got more chicks. Other than that"¦what was I saying? Oh, right"¦uh-huh-huh."
During the interview, conducted in the White House Jungle Room, Laura entered to serve her "Little Elvis" another fried banana sandwich. "People think Jackie O did a great job redecorating the White House, but Laura, here, has a unique way with purple velour that is worthy of Vegas schlock at its finest. And how about that walk-in closet"¦wall-to-wall sequined jumpsuits, baby! One of these days, I'm gonna wear "em for my State Of The Union Address.
"They used to be my old cheerleading outfits - but I hung on to "em because I knew my stinkin'-loaded daddy would make me rich and famous some day. My favorite is the baby blue one with a jeweled picture of Cheney on the back. I call him The Colonel"¦all decisions must be approved by The Colonel. If it weren't for him, I'd still be driving a truck in Memphis. Er, I mean, Elvis would have. Or something.
"People often wonder if avoiding Vietnam the way I did caused me any depression? Nah"¦maybe a touch of G.I. Blues, that's all. Matter-of-fact, the cops were often called out to get me to turn down the loud gospel music. Does that sound like a depressed guy? Damn, punk neighbors. The most common question I get from visitors is probably, "What's with the Chapel, W?'. Heh-heh-heh - they call me "W' because Elvis was called "E'"¦see how simular we are?
"This place is just like having my very own Graceland. Sometimes, I even get the urge to bury my parents in the backyard. And, when I feel like slumming, I walk down to the snazzy front gates where all the poor losers hang out. Then, I dab my sweat with a scarf and throw it to "em. Recently, I found out that smart-ass, Powell, had been writing "Return To Sender' on all my mail. I didn't receive a damn letter for nearly two years. Fixed his commie ass good, though, didn't I?"
Story by Frank Cassano. Photo by Mike Pasternack.
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