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Paris Hilton Really Likes New Paris Hilton Song
LOS ANGELES At approximately 2 a.m. on Sunday morning, noted celebutante, Paris Hilton, and a cavalcade of taste-makers, Greek shipping heirs and coke whores were dancing in an uber-trendy nightclub in West Hollywood, when Paris decided to compliment the club's disc jockey, DJ BM, on his record selection. BM, noticing the famous hotel heiress approaching, immediately switched track and began playing Hilton's newest single.
"What's the name of this track?" Ms. Hilton whispered into the DJ's non-headphoned ear as she nuzzled up to him. "It's so HOT!"
DJ BM held up the album's cover, which has a picture of Ms. Hilton splayed across the front in what could generously be referred to as a dress. "It's called "Stars are Blind,'" DJ BM said. "It's your new single."
Ms. Hilton stood dumbfounded, sensing something amiss but unaware that she had unleashed a precipitous torrent of irony across Los Angeles which would go on to destroy the headquarters of the following organizations: Jews for Jesus, the Coalition of Pornographers Against Plastic Surgery, the E! Network's Celebrity Privacy Initiative, and the Association of Famous Arabic Actors. Fortunately, since the buildings were all empty, no injuries were reported. However, Fred Notros of Anaheim remains in intensive care at Cedar Sinai Hospital after a savage attack from his pet hamster, Snookey-Ookums. Other reports of irony-related injuries and property damage are trickling in from all across the city.
Ms. Hilton had no comment when asked why she could not identify the hit single from her own album. Several hours later, her PR spokesperson released this statement.
"Ms. Hilton regrets any harm that may have resulted from her inability to recognize her own song. Her ears were extremely clogged due to her busy air travel schedule, and as such she was unable to distinguish the particular chord progression that characterizes her song. She apologizes to all affected and plans to visit Mr. Notros in the hospital to lift his spirits during this difficult time."
Critics were skeptical of Ms. Hilton's hearing problems, noting that since she had little, if anything, to do with the actual recording of the album, it's not surprising that she was unable to recognize the song. A confidential source who worked on the album for Warner Records claims that the singer/actress didn't enter the recording studio once during its creation.
"All of her vocal tracks were derived from rambling voicemails she left the rapper DMX, who then forwarded the messages to several well-regarded producers, who then hired composers, studio musicians, back-up vocalists, and audio engineers to take Miss Hilton's idyllic rambling, requests for various sexual acts, synergistic brand pitches and take-out Chinese food orders, and turn them into a polished studio release," the source said.
Apparently, Ms. Hilton has been enamored with DMX ever since seeing him shirtless in the Steven Segal vehicle Exit Wounds. As of press time, the tentative track names on the still unreleased album were as follows:
Stars are Blind
Wanton Soup, Hold the Wanton, Extra Soup
I Want Your Beef Missile You Negro Stud
Paris: The Strategic Consulting Corporation
Fried Rice, But Baked Instead of Fried
Chomp My Edible Panties And Go Where Hundreds Have Gone Before
Paris: The Hemorrhoid Suppository
You know that me and you could be a happy-Run DMC-live in a happy family house together and that we would (hiccup) mostly always love (hiccup) one other and the sex would be so hot, like way more hotter than it was in my video with Luke Perry.
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