BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. JULY 12, 2006 Copyright © 2001-2017 Bongo News, Inc.
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Keira Knightley Denies Being Anorexic, Says She Keeps Slim With Cocaine


LONDON — At a press conference for the opening of the newest Pirates of the Caribbean movie, lithe actress, Keira Knightley, vehemently denied that she has an eating disorder. However, she did acknowledge that she was flattered that people noticed her trimmer physique, which she attributed to heavy drug use.

"I realize that my figure might trouble certain catty bitches in the press, however I can assure all of you that I am not anorexic," Knightley said. "I just have a speedy metabolism like my good friends Kate Moss, Lindsay Lohan and Lawrence Taylor. However, eating disorders are a very serious health problem in contemporary society and I want to use my fame to educate people about the warning signs and consequences of this disease, since it can cause organ failure and even death if not properly treated."

Knightley then spent several minutes rattling off a list of suspicious behaviors that might suggest someone is struggling with an eating disorder, before delving into an analysis of its effect on the body's digestive, excretory and epidermal systems. She then left the podium and started towards the bathroom, claiming she had to "powder her nose."

According to her manager, Knightley makes it a point to address any and all questions about her weight in an upfront and honest manner, because she knows she is a role model for children and wants to use this platform to speak out against anorexia and to promote a healthy self-esteem regardless of Body Mass Index. She also champions the transformative properties of cocaine, noting that in a matter of weeks even a bloated slob can be turned into an emaciated beauty with a steady supply of Bolivian Marching Powder. Plus, according to Knightley, cocaine makes you feel very important and helps you enjoy the music of the Talking Heads.

"In Hollywood, there is tremendous pressure on actresses to maintain a trim and sexy physique," she said. "But I'm here today to tell girls out there trying to stay thin through dieting, starvation and purging that there is another way. Using cocaine helps melt the pounds away without the health risks and depression that go hand in hand with eating disorders. Plus, my talkatively levels have never been higher."

Knightley, dressed in a revealing Prada gown, also answered questions about what it was like to work with Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom, before excusing herself to use the restroom again.

Steve Horwitz

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