BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. JULY 19, 2006 Copyright © 2001-2017 Bongo News, Inc.
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Israel Nukes France for Being Anti-Semitic, Bush Defends Israel's Right to Attack


TEL AVIV, WASHINGTON, BRUSSELS and ATLANTA — In an apparent response to resurgent French anti-Semitism, Israel exploded a hydrogen bomb over Paris, killing all the inhabitants and destroying the beautiful city. Senate Democrats joined European leaders, except the Germans, in suggesting that Israel's response was disproportionate to the offence, which apparently centered on French Catholics referring to French Jews as "big noses."

However, President Bush publicly supported Israel's action and said that Israel had the right to defend itself. "The doctrine of devastating, unilateral attack in the face of possible, future harm is one I can relate to," said the President. "Now turn off that mike!"

French President, Jacques Chirac, who was absent from the French capital at the time of the bombing and who was vacationing Saint Tropez, gave a cautious response to the nuclear attack. "I need time to make a full assessment of the situation," he said. "At present, I am busy making a full assessment of the exposed titties on the beach."

The European Union issued a call for restraint. "This is not a time for France to retaliate with its own nuclear strike," said a bureaucrat in Brussels. "Instead, we should seek a dialogue with Israel and France and, in due course, we could explore diplomatic channels and perhaps have fruitful discussions. If the two sides would only sit down and talk, we should be able to find an amicable solution. Perhaps French Jews could have plastic surgery, and the Israelis could rewind the tape and have the hydrogen bomb unimplode and Paris be restored to its former glory. That would be nice. But first, it's time for lunch. I'll be back in three and a half hours."

Following the muted global reaction, Israel assassinated the Reverend Jesse Jackson in Atlanta, using a guided missile to hone in on him while he was on his cell phone. A spokesman for the Israeli spy agency, Mossad, which took credit for the attack on its website Oy Vay, said that Jackson was taken out because he called New York "Hymie Town" during his presidential bid in 1984. The Mossad spokesman thanked the Bush Administration for providing logistical support for the operation, including satellite tracking of Jackson's last phone call.

House Democrats and the American Civil Liberties Union condemned Jackson's murder and the U.S. involvement in it, but President Bush said that his Administration's collection of the telephone records of all Americans could now be seen to have borne fruit.

Emma Dubin

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