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The Osama Diary
I have been in this freakin' cave for so long I have lost count of the days! My skin is very pasty now because I never get any sunshine. My beard has gone quite gray, and I have sent out via Federal Express Donkey for some hair die in case I do another video.
My doctor came to visit me today for the first time in six months. Blamed his donkey for taking a wrong turn at Lahore " a likely story! Anyhow, he took some blood and urine samples from me and he said that my blood and urine are both in very bad shape. In fact, the infidel said that they both had the chemical composition of donkey urine, which is no surprise to me because that's all there is to drink around here! I shot him for that insolence and, instead of our usual cuisine of roast donkey, tonight we'll be having roast leg of doctor, God willing!
The worst part is that here I am, the most feared terrorist in the world, and I have no idea what is going on in the world! My subscription to AOL has lapsed, I have no electricity to watch CNN on my TV set or to run my VCR to make new videos " or to tape Baywatch " and my mobile phone battery died years ago. And the Pakistani postal service is as corrupt as ever, so I never get any mail " some wretched postal worker " may he die a thousand deaths " is stealing my New York Times Big Print Editions and my Playboy magazines, along with my Studs and Long Dongs.
So "¦ crazy Muslim kids are blowing up innocent people in my name "¦ which of course is very flattering "¦ but it would be much more fun if I knew about theses attacks! I have no freakin' idea! Even after they have occurred!
Someone told me that the Zarqawi fella got himself killed " may he rest in peace " but good riddance to him, I say! He was getting too much attention with all that beheading. I never thought of beheading! So simple, in hindsight, and such a publicity getter, and much easier than hijacking planes!
My love life is getting pretty boring, and I am thinking of switching donkeys, but Matilda is very possessive and, in addition to dropping the usual droppings, she is also dropping hints that it's time we got married. Ain't no way in Hell " oops, a thousand pardons, Allah! " that I'm going to marry that bitch! I'm the most feared terrorist in the world, and I will Goddamn " a thousand pardons again, Allah! " sleep with as many donkeys as I want to! Unfortunately, my choice is getting pretty limited, since I've eaten most of them.
Well, it's time for lights out. Tomorrow is another day, I think. It's so dark in here, I can never tell.
The Osama Diary was obtained by Emma Dubin. Graphics by Mike Pasternack.