BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. AUGUST 2, 2006 Copyright © 2001-2017 Bongo News, Inc.
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Report Says Denmark is Happiest Place on Earth, Disney Vows Vengeance


ORLANDO, Florida — "The happiest place on earth" might be a Disney trademark, but according to a recently published study by researchers at the University of Leicester, the moniker should be applied to Denmark, not to 35,000 acres of central Florida swamp. The report compiled the results of a series of global studies commissioned by the United Nations that measures the health provisions, education, wealth and DZR (dimple to zit ratio) of 178 different countries and Denmark finished first.

Walt Disney, who remains frozen at a cryogenic facility directly beneath the Pirates of the Caribbean Ride at Disneyworld, has pledged to seek retribution on this small nation for copyright infringement and achieving happiness without the assistance of a Disney-branded entertainment resort.

"The Danes won't be so happy when I drop millions of gallons of itching powder from Michael Eisner's old corporate jet," Disney said, via a telepathic transmission machine connected to his brain stem. "Next, with the assistance of my allies in the League of Nations, I will halt the shipment of all ice cream, hula hoops and Benzedrine into Denmark. Then, they will learn the true price of copyright breach and non-Disney-created happiness.

Second on the list of happiest places is Switzerland, which is followed by Austria and then Belgium. Great Britain, France, Sweden, Spain and Norway also ranked highly in the study. According to Dr. Adrian White, one of the report's authors, Europe is the happiest continent.

"Perhaps this has something to do with the failure of EuroDisney," White speculated during a press conference announcing the results. "Maybe the continent's ubiquitous rejection of Disney's manufactured fantasy creates a shared culture of exclusivity and snobbery. Or maybe it's because they have free healthcare, six weeks of vacation a year, nudity on television and, most importantly, a single form of legal tender, which eliminates the hastle of visiting currency exchange."

Interestingly, the results of the study highlighted that the major countries of Asia, despite booming economies, had surprisingly low happiness scores.

"This might be because most of the citizens of Asia's economic powerhouses labor in sweatshops and brothels," Dr. White continued. "Or maybe it's just a cultural distinction. For instance, in the Philippines smiling is considered evil. It's why some tribes still file the grooves off their teeth. And in Japan, a fear of nuclear holocaust at the hands of Kim Jong-il is as de rigueur as tiny cell phones or drunken businessmen singing En Vogue at the karaoke bar.

Equally surprising is that the three least-happy nations, and twenty-five of the bottom thirty, are all in Africa.

"It's not surprising that people in Africa are unhappy. Poverty is abject, governments are corrupt, and ethnic and religious tensions are constantly boiling over," White said. "What's surprising is that they are marginally unhappier in the Democratic Republic of Congo than in Burundi. What's the freaking difference? You really think the destitute and starving population of Burundi is going, "Yeah, sh*t's bad, but at least we got it better than in the Congo."

Steve Horwitz

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