BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. NOVEMBER 1, 2006 Copyright © 2001-2017 Bongo News, Inc.
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Compassionate Meat: "˜We Pamper the Cows Until We Slit Their Throats'

LOUISBURG, North Carolina — Farmers here are growing livestock to supply supermarkets which have begun to label meats as "animal compassionate" in order to induce armchair liberals to pay extraordinarily high prices for meats.

"It makes me feel good to buy animal compassionate meat," said one shopper at Whole Foods Market in Greenwich, Connecticut who is against global warming but leaves her computer on 24/7 and doesn't realize that her cable TV box, even when not in use, draws 30 watts of electricity versus a refrigerators' 40 watts.

"I am against cruelly to animals, but I do love to eat veal, ham and chicken!" she said.

One pig farmer in Louisburg, NC says raising pigs compassionately makes sense.

"I get 5% more in the sale price, although Whole Foods sells animal compassionate food for 30% to 60% more than regular food," he said. "Still, 5% is a good deal."

How does he raise pigs compassionately?

"Instead of feeding them muck in an enclosed, indoor pen, I feed them muck out of doors. Of course, they do get pretty cold and miserable in the winter time, but it warms my heart to know that I'll get 5% more."

Farmers are raising beef cattle and vealers in compassionate ways, too.

"Basically, we pamper the cows until it's time for the slaughter," said a Midwest cattleman. "We used then to fire a big nail into their brains with a gun, killing them instantly, but the nail-in-the-head-thing made people feel squeamish. So, instead, we slit their throats and let them die slowly "“ but naturally "“ as the blood oozes out. Blood is great manure, by the way, and nails can get rusty, so it's a win-win for compassion and the environment. Plus I get an extra 5%."

And what about the vealers?

"Same thing, except they are babies. They die more quickly."

Chickens have presented farmers with a tricky problem for years. When you chop off their heads they are inclined to run headless around the yard, flapping their wings for several minutes. That is an upsetting sight, especially to city folk. So compassionate chicken farmers have a new method of slaughtering chickens.

"It's best if you cut off their legs and wings just before you kill them," said a chicken farmer, "and then they can't run around flapping their wings after you chop their heads off. They just squirm around on the ground for few minutes."

Whole Foods has developed a new labeling system in conjunction with animal rights advocates and focus groups comprised of people who voted against Joe Lieberman in the recent primary. The categories are:

Animal Compassionate: Castration of sheep prohibited, electrical prods for beef cattle are OK but only in emergencies, and you can't cut off pigs' tails.

Certified Humane: Castration of sheep is allowed if you do it quickly, electric prods for beef cattle are permitted in emergencies, and you can cut off pigs' tails.

Free Farmed: Castration of sheep is allowed if they are babies, electrical prods for beef cattle are OK in emergencies (what the h*ll is a cattle emergency?), and you can cut off pigs tails.

[Editor's note: These are Whole Foods' definitions!]

Compassionate farmers are also mindful of the environment. Compassionately raised cows (and dolphins) do not fart and therefore do not contribute methane gas to global warming, although 20% of greenhouse gases globally are produced by non-compassionate farming.

Calling Al Gore! Let's ban farming!

Emma Dubin

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