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Bush Announces U.S. Will Switch Sides in Iraq: ‘America Loves a Winner!’
WASHINGTON, DC — President Bush this week stunned the nation by announcing that U.S. forces in Iraq would switch sides and support insurgents battling the government of Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki.
“The insurgents seem to be winning, and America loves a winner,” the President said during a prime-time address carried by all the major television networks and NBC. “To be honest, I could never remember if we wanted the Sunnis or the Shiites to win anyway. Really, how do you tell them apart?”
Congressional Democrats said they would continue to back whichever faction the Administration opposed.
Blamed for Republican losses in November’s mid-term elections and facing increasing public discontent over mounting American casualties, the President had for weeks been expected to unveil a new Iraq policy. Few political or military analysts, however, predicted such a sudden and dramatic change in the administration’s plan.
In Iraq, American military forces immediately began donning civilian clothes, melting into the population, and conducting hit-and-run raids with improvised explosive devices against their erstwhile government allies. Officers reported a surge in morale among the newly radicalized troops.
“There is no God but Allah and Mohammed is His prophet,” said Lt. Col. Jacob Randolph, waving a Kalishnikov assault rifle looted from a government arsenal in Kirkuk during an early morning uprising staged by elements of the 2nd Battalion, 3rd Marine Division. “The infidels shall swim in oceans of their own blood. Saddam Hussein is the acknowledged leader of the Arab people – Hoo Yah!”
Meanwhile, American political officials began the process of re-Ba’athification, acknowledging Saddam loyalists as the legitimate rulers of the country.
“Whatever else you can say about Saddam, he made the trains run on time,” said one State Department official on the usual condition of anonymity. “Halliburton can’t even get the clocks to work.”
The Bush administration quickly sought to win support for its new Iraq initiative. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice was heard loudly ululating after a news conference in which she carried a portrait of slain Iraqi militia leader, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. Meanwhile, the President appeared in public unshaven and dressed like Peter O’Toole’s understudy from Lawrence of Arabia.
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