BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. JANUARY 31, 2007 Copyright © 2001-2017 Bongo News, Inc.
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Scientists Cure Gay Sheep - PETA and Gays Outraged


PORTLAND, Oregon — Scientists at Oregon Health and Science University have discovered a cure for gayness in sheep.

Over the last five years, researchers at the university had concluded that 8 percent of rams were gay, and they looked for the reasons why. They studied behavioral factors such as overly-domineering mother sheep, and psychological factors such as older gay rams leading young rams astray, but they finally concluded that the cause was genetic. After isolating the gay sheep gene, they were able to extract the gene from sheep DNA, thereby ensuring that rams born in the future will not be gay.

"They will be much better breeders," said Dr. Charles Roselli of the university.

Instead of being heralded as having created a major scientific and agricultural breakthrough, the Oregon scientists have been vilified by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) and gay rights advocates who have vigorously protested the university's work. The scientists have even received death threats.

Shalin Gala, a PETA representative working on its sheep campaign, who is openly gay, said it was perfectly clear that scientists were working on sheep as prelude to working on humans.

"The next thing you know, they will have a "˜cure' for gaiety in humans," said Mr. Gala, "and that means that gays will die out and not be replaced! There will be no more male airline flight attendants and decorators, and no more boys for Man-Boy Love Association members!"

Asked whether PETA had any concern for the animals themselves, Mr. Gala said, "Of course we do. We feel for the 8 percent. Those rams may be too dumb to realize that future generations of rams may not be like them, but we care about that on their behalf. Being gay is not some abnormality that needs to be cured. It is normal. It is the breeders that are disgusting!"

A talking sheep from the movie set of Babe III disagreed with Mr. Gala. "I don't think Mr. Gala has the interests of sheep at heart," it said. "I feel he is only concerned with humans and is deeply threatened by the notion that in the future there will not be any gay humans born. What he is overlooking is that while 8 percent of rams might share his concerns about future replicativity, the other 92 percent of us would welcome the elimination of gay shepherds."

Julio Cesar

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