Double Entendre Comics: Archie Beating Off ... Full story
Hugo Ballz: When a Hero Comes Along Hugo Ballz comic strip... Full story
Bush Pushed on Tush by Homer
WASHINGTON White House officials have confirmed that President Bush suffered brain-lock this week while watching an episode of The Simpsons, and is suffering from chronic and acute personality transference disorder.
"What this means," Dr. Burton Lee, the President's personal physician, said, "is that the President, while watching TV, suddenly locked his eyes into a vacant stare, similar to that of a doe staring at headlights on a dark night, and at that moment he assumed the consummate and total personality of Homer Simpson. Then he fell off the chair, suffering a complete loss of the George W. Bush personality and memories. It is a catastrophic neurological trauma."
"Not so fast," said an attending neurologist when asked whether he could confirm the extent of the President's illness. "Wechsler tests show President Bush has gained over 100 IQ points since suffering his Homer attack. He is much more alert, he can tell the difference between a pizza pie and the Queen of England, and he no longer confuses his left hand with the right. He also seems to understand there aren't any Thomas Jeffersons waiting behind sand dunes to institute Jeffersonian democracy in the Middle East. Of course, he's still a bit confused. He thinks Iraq is "a rock" somewhere, and believes Iran is from his memoir, I Ran from Active Duty But I Had a Note from My Daddy. But this is a startling, positive intellectual development nonetheless."
British tabloids were exultant early today, brandishing oversized headlines such as HOMER "YANKS' BUSH OFF TUSH and I SAY, GOOD SHOW, WHAT? while a prominent French tabloid shouted LE COW-BOY EST EXPURGÃ!
The President resumed his duties to attend what turned out to be an extraordinary breakfast meeting with Vice President Cheney and other White House officials in the Oval Office. Bongo News obtained an exclusive transcript of the meeting from a source on deep background.
CHENEY: Mr. President, er, President Simpson, we're so glad to see you back in good health. You and your Cabinet and I are all on the course forward to good health. As for myself, I can say with conviction that except for the occasional heart attack, I've never felt better "¦ BUSH: Who are you?
CHENEY: Uhm, I've taken the liberty of calling this breakfast meeting to "¦ BUSH: Breakfast meeting? Woohoo! Donuts! CHENEY: ... to discuss the French reaction to your brain lock and subsequent... BUSH [Voice trembling]: Ooohoohoohoohoohoohoo"¦french toast"¦[slobber, drool] CHENEY: That's French reaction, sir, not French toast. BUSH: Oh-oow. Darn. CHENEY: Sir, the Iraqi parliament has taken precisely the wrong decision despite my personal warnings when I visited Baghdad the other day. They have just begun their two-month vacation, a two-month vacation, and this at a time when mortar attacks "¦
BUSH: Borrrring. CHENEY: Uhm "¦ at a time when both Shia militia and Sunni insurgents have intensified their mortar attacks upon the Green Zone to the extent that we can no longer "¦ BUSH: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz [drool, slobber]. CHENEY: I think they're on the last throes, if you will, of the insurgency. We have in fact made great progress in Iraq, Mr. President. There are a lot of lessons we want to learn out of this process in terms of what works, but I think we are in fact on our way to coming out on top of this thing. Not only can we win this war, we are winning this war, and "¦
BUSH: Oh-oow! Marge! Help! Where are you, Marge? This stupid jerk keeps waking me up and he won't shut up. And I'm stuck in here with no french toast. Ooh! Another donut! Arghglg arghglg arghglg arghglg glug. DONALD RUMSFELD: Mr. President, I'm delighted you're feeling better. Stuff happens. Freedom's untidy, and free people are free to make mistakes and commit crimes and do bad things. BUSH: What are you doing here? Say, didn't I fire you once? RUMSFELD: You rehired me, sir. BUSH: D'oh! RUMSFELD: We know where the insurgents are. They're in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat. BUSH [adjusting chair]: Ooh! Chair goes up, chair goes down. Chair goes up, chair goes down. Chair goes up, chair goes down "¦ What time is lunch? RUMSFELD: I would not say the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was not predictable when it started. BUSH: Huh? RUMSFELD: Death has a tendency to encourage a depressing view of war.
BUSH [playing with red buttons on desk console]: Ooh "¦ what's this one? CHENEY: You idiot "¦ you just launched a full-scale, simultaneous nuclear attack on China and Russia!