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Rosie O'Donnell Keeps Showing Up at America's Big Moments; Does She Have Gump Syndrome?
EAGLE, Colorado — At a press conference held outside the Colorado courthouse handling the Kobe Bryant case, Trisha Atwater, a spokeswoman for Rosie O'Donnell, flatly denied that the former talk show host and newlywed is suffering from Gump Syndrome, a pathological need to wind up in all America's big moments.
In a prepared statement, Ms. Atwater assured reporters that it was pure coincidence that Rosie entered into her gay marriage right when the issue of gay marriage was making headlines. She went on to explain that Rosie's inordinate visibility during the Martha Stewart trial had everything to do with sticking up for a sister victimized by the system, and nothing whatever to do with Gump Syndrome.
Ms. Atwater then brushed off as too preposterous to even comment on the photos that would seem to show that Rosie was one of the back-up singers on the Super Bowl half-time stage when Janet Jackson's breast was bared. Ms. Atwater likewise categorically denied the rumor that Rosie pulled down the big statue of Saddam in Baghdad.
Asked one reporter, "So you're going to tell us that that's not Rosie O'Donnell who keeps showing up in crowd scenes in the movie Forrest Gump?
Responded Atwater, "We've looked at the footage of those scenes. We're reasonably certain that the person behind all the cameos in question is some yahoo posing as the ghost of Alfred Hitchcock."
When asked to confirm or deny rumors that Rosie has been frantic about finding a way to Mars where so much of the world's attention has been directed of late, Ms. Atwater responded, "Now that's pure nonsense. At this point in its elliptical orbit around the Sun, Mars is well over 35 million miles from here. There's absolutely no way on earth for Rosie to get there before the rover's cameras shut down."
Only moments after the press conference, AP digital photographer Gus Peterson, closely reviewing his day's work, was astonished to find that Rosie somehow appeared in every single shot he took of the event.
Said another duped reporter, "Somebody needs to throw a telethon for what's ailing that woman. There's got to be a pill she can take."
Dr. Phil Offers to Cure Rosie's "Lesbian Rage"
