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Inside the Interdimensional Portal of the Bush Administration




WASHINGTON, D.C. — Comics afficionados may remember Bizzaro World (or something like that), an ugly, angular, twisted parallel universe in which Superman had a craggy face and was almost as evil as Alberto Gonzalez.

There is also a fifth dimension "“ a dimension not only of sight and sound, but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That's the sign post up ahead, your next stop: Perfect World! A world in which government officials are the opposite of what we experience in the here and now. Where Bush tells the truth and has an IQ over 80. Where Dick Cheney peppers his own face with birdshot.

A Bongo News reporter inadvertently penetrated the interdimensional portal into Perfect World after tripping over a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnel's porch. At the White House Press Corps he found that the reporters all looked like Brad Pitt, Mandy Moore, Matt Damon and Julia Stiles, and everyone spoke in ways that can only be described as counterintuitive.

"Mr. President," a reporter said. "After 9/11, don't you feel we must sometimes ignore the grey and focus on good and bad, on right and wrong, in regard to the Middle East?"

"All sciences are now under the obligation to prepare the ground for the future task of the philosopher, which is to solve the problem of value, to determine the true hierarchy of values. All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth. I reject power for its own sake and embrace the search for truth, always. Ya'll don't mind if I quote Nietzsche, do ya? Heh-heh-heh-heh."

"Sir, would not the U.S. be justified in invading Iraq based on lies and deceptions? I mean, why not?"

"No, for as I said, I embrace the search for truth, not power for its own sake, and certainly not for some barbaric notion of vengeance such as killing 30 Arabs for every American killed on 9/11. Arrogance on the part of the meritorious is even more offensive to us than the arrogance of those without merit: for merit itself is offensive."

"Mr. President, should the Republican Party takes its rightful place among the creationist evangelicals in order to secure a landslide victory in the next election?"

"The Republican Party will as always stand for intellectuality and the search for truth and not pander to religious lunacy. Nietsche said, "˜in Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with reality at any point.'"

"But what about the right to life issue, Mr. President?"

"Judgments, value judgments concerning life, for or against, can in the last resort never be true: they possess value only as symptoms, they come into consideration only as symptoms. In themselves such judgments are stupidities."

Later, in the Oval Office ...

"Alberto, although I appreciate personal loyalty, you must know that loyalty to your country and nation of laws is paramount. Ask not what you can do for me; ask what you can do for your country."

"Indeed, Mr. President. And I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the Replublic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

"Well said, Al, and with feeling."

"And I remembered all the words, Mr. President!"

"Yes, you certainly did, Al. What a wonderful photographic memory you have. You should have been a lawyer."

"I am a lawyer, sir. That's why our Constitution stands firm and strong."

"You're a unique man of integrity, Al. At bottom every man knows well enough that he is a unique being, only once on this earth, and by no extraordinary chance will such a marvelously picturesque piece of diversity in unity as he is, ever be put together a second time."

"Thank you, sir. Well, the integrity of this Administration is the envy of the world." And now if you'll excuse me, sir. It's time for me to go out and rescue stray kittens."

"Very good, Al. I'll be in the philosophy section of the Library of Congress if you need me."

Scott G. South

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