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Michael Jackson is Broke, Opens Theme Park
Separated at birth: Michael Jackson and Helena Bonham Carter in Planet of the Apes LOS OLIVOS, CA. — Michael Jackson appears to have frittered away his half-billion dollar fortune and is reportedly near bankruptcy. This may explain why Jackson has opened his Neverland Ranch to the public as a theme park.
Charging $44 admission, guests entering Neverland are able to experience firsthand the 2,600 acre fantasy world that Jackson calls home. Children under 13 are allowed in for free.
Several new theme rides and shows have been added to Neverland's pre-existing zoo and basic carnival rides:
Pigment Palace - Experience a mysterious transmogrification from black to white, or vice versa. Even your own family won't recognize you!
Firehead Theater - Take part in an actual TV commercial shoot! After soaking your hair in highly-flammable gel, dance your way through a spine-tingling tunnel of sparks and glitter. Combustible fun the whole family can enjoy!
Jackson Five Twirl-A-Whirl - Breath-taking excitement on a dizzying ride into the stratosphere. Hear the voices of Jackie, Marlon, Jermaine and Tito cry "HEY, YOU FORGOT US!" as you spin off into stardom!
Michael's Magical Elephant Experience - Enter the oxygen-controlled, surreal world of the Freakish Dead! Leave your worries behind as you lay next to the mummified corpse of John Merrick, the 19th century Elephant Man. Exhilarating!
Facelift Funhouse - Actual plastic surgeons transform your face into the likeness of Diana Ross, Elizabeth Taylor or a lesser primate of your choice. You won't believe your eyes! Or your nose!
Berlin Baby Drop - Climb aboard a 6-person diaper -- suspense builds as you are lifted slowly through the darkness by giant, gloved hands -- you emerge into daylight - and find yourself dangling precariously 3 stories above ground! You have only a split-second to look up and see a laughing 55-foot Michael before he lets you go! Pant-wetting thrills!
Jacko's House of Horrors - Enter the eerie underbelly of Neverland. This terrifying ride brings you within inches of Michael Jackson...IN PERSON! Not recommended for individuals with heart conditions, a history of respiratory ailments, or those with weak stomachs. Actual Michael Jackson may be substituted with actual Marlon Brando.
While attendance at Neverland's public debut was heavy, reviews were mixed. "I brought the family up from Whittier," said one man. "Spent all day there on Saturday. We had a lot of fun until we went into Jacko's House of Horrors. My 13-year old was fondled by Jackson and is still having nightmares."
US "Road Map" For Peace in the Middle East is Given, Unfortunately, to Two Men
