BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. JUNE 11, 2003 Copyright © 2001-2017 Bongo News, Inc.
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Sex, Lies and Hillary's Book

hillary barbara

NEW YORK — Hillary Clinton appeared in a televised interview with Barbara Walters, hyping her new book in which she says how shocked she was when Bill told her he really did have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky.

It was a performance that only someone as gullible as Barbara Walters could believe.

Our investigative reporter has obtained a copy of an early draft of the book's manuscript, showing a transcript of Hillary's taped first draft, and the changes made by her editor, James Carville.

Shown below is an excerpt from the manuscript, with Carville's revisions in italics, and Hillary's original words in parentheses marked for deletion:

"When the allegations concerning Ms. Lewinsky first surfaced, my husband was in the Oval Office attending to his job of running the government. (When the news first broke, I ran into the Oval Office and found Bill lying on the couch with his head in his hands, saying 'It's over. It's over.') I accepted my husband's story that he had befriended Ms. Lewinsky. (I screamed at Bill, 'Pull yourself together. We're gonna fight this. I'll run the defense. Now get the Thomasons on the line.') I believed him when he said he had talked to her a few times when she asked for job-hunting help and that the relationship had been misconstrued. (I asked Bill if there were any records of visits by Monica to the Oval Office, and whether he had telephoned her using the Oval Office phone.) For me, the Lewinsky imbroglio seemed just like another vicious scandal manufactured by political opponents. (I said, 'We'll say that this is just another vicious scandal manufactured by the vast right wing conspiracy.') Then, on Saturday, August 14, my husband woke me up, paced by the bed, and told me for the first time that the situation was much more serious than he had previously acknowledged. He now realized that he would have to testify that there had been an inappropriate intimacy. (On the Saturday before he was due to testify, Bill woke me up to ask me whether he really had to admit to having sex. I told him to pull himself together and to remember to use the linguistic tricks we'd rehearsed, like the meaning of 'is' and relying on his own definition of 'sex.') I could hardly breathe. Gulping for air, I started crying and yelling at him, 'What do you mean? What are you saying? Why did you lie to me?' (Bill was crying his eyes out so I took a big breath and bellowed, 'Focus on word meanings, think about what you're saying, keep on lying.') I was furious and getting more so by the second. (I was farting and getting more desperate to use the bathroom by the second.) He just stood there saying over and over again, 'I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I was trying to protect you and Chelsea.' (He just stood there saying over and over again, 'I'm sorry. I'm sorry I forgot my lines.') I was dumbfounded, heartbroken and outraged that I'd believed him at all. (I realized he was really dumb and that my heart belonged to Vince Foster and dozens of women, and I was outraged because it was only 6 a.m. and I was now wide awake.) The most difficult decisions I have made in my life were to stay married to Bill and to run for the Senate from New York. (The most difficult lies in my life were pretending to be straight and pretending to like the Yankees.) I ultimately decided I still loved my husband although, as a wife, I wanted to wring Bill's neck. (My pollsters told me to stay married to Bill although, as a lesbian, I wanted to cut off his penis.)

Hillary concludes in her book that, in lying to her, Bill had betrayed her, but in lying to the public, he had not betrayed the public. "What he did was morally wrong and also perjury and therefore a felony, but definitely not a betrayal. I'm the only one allowed to work the victim angle here."

Read these related stories:

The Beloved Sippy Cup Comes Under Attack from Speech Therapists (20-Feb-02)

Monica Lewinsky's Reality Show Sucks (30-Apr-03)

Bush Confirms His Pledge of $20 Billion of Aid for New York City (13-Mar-02)

Barbra Streisand is Appointed Secretary of State (23-Oct-02)

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