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Wizard of Love: Pop Quiz
Note: The Wiz has tried to make this as unisex as possible.
1. Your ever lovin' wants to go to a movie you don't want to see. Do you...
a) Go see it anyway because you love him/her.
b) Come down with a case of the screaming shits and have to stay in while he/she goes alone.
c) Bribe him/her to change movies to something you want to see with the promise of great sex afterwards.
Answer: c. Bribery always works best as both parties are assured of getting what they want.
2. You let loose a quiet fart in the middle of the night. Do you ...
a) Wave the blanket around like you're a Frenchman surrendering.
b) Mumble a loud protest how disgusting your partner is.
c) Quickly jump on top of him/her and initiate sex to distract them.
Answer: b. A good offense beats a poor defense. It's always good to have something in the bank to use when you've been caught doing something even more gross in the future.
3. Your sweetie catches you looking a little too much at another girl/boy. Do you ...
a) Make like there was something in your eye and you were just trying to clear it out.
b) Quickly make a comment about how some people will resort to wearing anything to try to get attention.
c) Say something like, "Have you seen the latest CNN polls on the California Governor's race?"
Answer: c. One rule always to remember if you want a relationship to last: deny, deny, deny.
4. You want to watch Football/the New Joe Millionaire and your honey doesn't. Do you ...
a) Give head a half hour before showtime.
b) Whine that you never get to see what you want to see after a long hard day's work.
c) Compromise and flip back and forth catching those magic moments where Joe is off in the bushes with one of the girls.
Answer: a. This was an easy one. Compromise my ass!
5. You're dog tired but your one and only wants sex now. Do you ...
a) Rise to the occasion because you love him/her.
b) Suggest that he/she would thrill you if you could watch them get themselves off.
c) Tell them that you're too busy taking the Wizard of Love Pop Quiz online in a futile attempt to save your relationship.
Answer: b, with a half credit for c. And again if you can send photos, the Wiz would appreciate it.
6. You meet someone in a bar, take him/her home, things get hot and heavy, and then
you discover neither of you has a condom. (All stores are closed.) Do you ...
a) Thank him/her for a pleasant evening and hope you can get together sometime soon when it's more convenient.
b) Throw caution to the wind and pound him/her into the sheets.
c) See if there is any of that duct tape and plastic sheeting left over from the terror alert.
Answer: c. This one's a ringer that Tom Ridge made me put in. He's trying to find all sorts of uses for the stuff.
So how did you do?
0-2 correct: You are in need of my guidance. Continue to follow this column religiously. 2-4 correct: You are on the right track. Continue to follow this column religiously. 5-6 correct: You are my kind of people. Continue to follow this column religiously.
Police Detonate Pizza-Bomber
