Queen Implicated by Butler in Diana's Death ... Full story
Rosie O'Donnell Will Fight Dirty to Protect Her Good Name ... Full story
North Korean Leader Waves Goodbye to Nuke Talks ... Full story
Letter to the Editor: "Some of Your Writers Are Pitiful" ... Full story
Recipes of the World - Greenwich, Connecticut: Road Kill Join our world tour of culinary delights... Full story
Professor Thurgood Spanner and His Next World Radio - This Week's Interview: Babe Ruth ... Full story
Comics We'd Like to See: Beatle Baby With apologies to Beetle Bailey... Full story
Verizon Offers Cellphone Service in Hell
NEW YORK — Verizon Wireless announced this week that it would be providing full wireless service in Hell for earthly customers who sign up in advance for the service.
Talks have been going on for some time between Satan and Verizon management to provide the service as an inducement for CEOs of major companies to be more willing to sell their souls without having to lose control of their companies.
"Ever since we started using James Earl Jones as our spokesperson," said a Verizon official, "we started to get strange phone calls asking us if we would be interested in making such a deal. At first we laughed it off, but after The Great Horned Lord showed up in our boardroom, it was kind of hard to refuse his offer."
"It's a good deal for all involved," he continued. "The CEOs are going to end up there anyway, and they are just selling their souls a little sooner according to the plan His Maleficence has laid out. The service will be first-rate, and we expect very few 'dead spots' to occur."
Apparently, all a customer has to do to ensure his being able to control his company in perpetuity is to sign away his soul to Satan and Verizon, and upon his demise he will be buried with a special cellular handset that will enable him to continue to harass his company and family for as long as he wishes -- in a way, making their lives a living Hell. The Verizon official saw nothing wrong with this, adding, "Hey, these guys were the breadwinners in the first place. They've earned their place in Hell."
Hillary Now Supports the Florida Marlins
