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McDonald's Announces its Burgers Have Long Contained Cow Brains
OAK BROOK, Illinois To decrease fear of mad cow disease, McDonald's has announced that its burgers have always contained cow brains. It has said that, if there were any great danger of contracting mad cow disease from eating cow brains, billions of their customers would already have it. McDonald's stock rose after the announcement.
"Heck, we put just about anything into our food," said a company spokesman. "People find chicken heads, rat tails, and raw sewage in McDonald's food. They should be pleased to find cow brains."
Health officials say eating cow brains increases the chances of developing prostate cancer and breast cancer, but McDonald's claims that the cancer threat from eating cow brains is only slightly higher than from eating muscle meat, due to cow feed containing carcinogenic pesticides and herbicides.
The McDonald's spokesman assured its stockholders, "Hey, we can kill whoever we want to. We are a corporation."
Saturated fats are another problem associated with cow brains, which are nearly 100% fat. Saturated fats cause breast and prostate cancer, obesity, and other health problems.
"Oh sure, that is what the liberal propaganda, college-educated scientists will tell you," said the company spokesman, "but the fact that they won't take corporate money shows that they know nothing of the American spirit."
"McDonald's wide range of high-quality foods can fit into a balanced diet," said the spokesman, quoting the McDonald's webpage. "We have both kinds of foods, the fatty type and the greasy. If that isn't balanced, I don't know what is."
"We promote healthy diets by offering people food that will give them heart attacks and strokes. They will watch their diet after they have one of those," said McDonald's pitchman, Ronald McDonald. "Oh sure, the previous Ronald McDonald went vegetarian, but that was because ... aaargh, my heart!"
Willie Munchright, the popular What's-on-Your-Plate nutrition education program run by McDonald's, will teach kids to eat what the industry expects them to. "Don't be a lonely loser, eat at McDonald's," Willie will explain. "You will find lots of company in hospital wards."
When confronted about an even more deadly type of fat, partially-hydrogenated oils found in the burger buns, the McDonald's spokesman replied, "The beef and dairy-sponsored food pyramid has oils at the top, signifying their supreme importance. Those who say otherwise are terrorist sympathizers."
"If you want tofu and corporate responsibility, leave this country. You are un-American commie-terrorists," said US Secretary of Agriculture, Ann M. Veneman, whose ties to the beef industry run strong and deep, just like saturated fat running through the hearts of patriotic McDonald's customers.