BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. MARCH 10, 2004 Copyright © 2001-2017 Bongo News, Inc.
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I Support President Bush for Reelection Because ...
... Full story

Martha Stewart Gets the Death Penalty
... Full story

Kerry Seeks Gay-Marriage Vote, Marries Ted Kennedy
... Full story

NASA Sees Evidence of Rover Having Passed Water on Mars
... Full story

Liberal Media is Outraged by Myrna Blyth Book, "Spin Sisters"
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Girl Scouts Not Getting Pregnant; Waco Man Concerned
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Shareholder Dumps Disney Stock Over Dissatisfaction with Michael Eisner
... Full story

Angelina Jolie at the Academy Awards
Oscar for the best dress... Full story

President Bush "Accidentally" Strips Lady Liberty
... Full story

Study Shows Most Senior Citizens Are Unaware of What Bush's Medicare Changes Mean
... Full story

"The Rifleman"
... Full story

The Adventures of Abdul and Hasim. Chapter 14: Last Stop, Paradise
... Full story

Comics We'd Like to See: Gross is Gross
With apologies to Rose is Rose... Full story

Men Are Pigs
Stupid Drawings from a stupid stupid man... Full story

Julia Roberts Asks the Wizard of Love

wizard of love

Dear Wizard of Love, I have a problem. I am absolutely in head over heels love with this guy. I know I will never be able to have him, but I just can't get him out of my head. It's like a dream that never ends, I cry I want him so bad at night. This guy is Ashton Kutcher. What can I do to get him out of my head? Plus, sometimes I even wish I were Demi, but she is way too old for my baby Ashton. :-)
Headover Heels in LA

Dear Head,
The Wizard would like to help you with your problem. As you can see, I've already corrected your spelling and punctuation. As I keep saying in cases like this it would be a great help if you could send the Wizard a picture of yourself (preferably a sexy shot with either a bikini or school girl outfit if you can fit into one). I will see that Ashton gets a gander of you. By your letter I assume you are much younger than Demi, but if you are way too much younger, say below 16 years old, forget about sending the picture as the Wiz might run into a problem with the Feds who monitor my mail. If all goes well then, it's just a matter of time before your baby comes out of the ether and starts looking for a girl more his own age. I see by your address that you use AOL, so if you have trouble figuring out how to send a picture, write back and the Wizard will provide a step by step manual to accomplish this difficult task.
The Wiz
Dear Wizard of Love,
I feel kind of funny writing this as I really don't have a love problem. I'm one the most famous actresses in the world and my press agent will tell you that all the guys like me. Not that I'm looking for a new guy as I just married the man of my dreams a while back and we are just super happy. I know he loves me deeply as he divorced his wife just to marry me! He's not an actor but he's a great camera man I met on the set of one of my movies and fell in love with. I mean he's not as famous as me but that doesn't make any difference to how truly super happy we are. As a matter of fact we have a lot more in common than people would think. Would you believe we both like are steak done medium rare! One thing though, I don't want him to be uncomfortable with me being more famous than he is so I go to all those Award shows without him. Don't you think that's a good idea? Speaking of Award shows, I didn't get one this year. The critics have been hammering me lately, as a matter of fact. Do you think this is because my husband doesn't have any clout and they think I married beneath me? That could be it, you know. What do you think?
Just Wondering

Dear Just,
No, Julia, I don't think your new hubby has anything to do with what the critics think. Mona Lisa Smiles truly sucked.
The Wiz
Do you luv the Wiz? E-mail the Wiz at

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