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I Support President Bush for Reelection Because ...
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Martha Stewart Gets the Death Penalty
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Kerry Seeks Gay-Marriage Vote, Marries Ted Kennedy
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Julia Roberts Asks the Wizard of Love


wizard of love

Dear Wizard of Love, I have a problem. I am absolutely in head over heels love with this guy. I know I will never be able to have him, but I just can't get him out of my head. It's like a dream that never ends, I cry I want him so bad at night. This guy is Ashton Kutcher. What can I do to get him out of my head? Plus, sometimes I even wish I were Demi, but she is way too old for my baby Ashton. :-)
Headover Heels in LA

Dear Head,
The Wizard would like to help you with your problem. As you can see, I've already corrected your spelling and punctuation. As I keep saying in cases like this it would be a great help if you could send the Wizard a picture of yourself (preferably a sexy shot with either a bikini or school girl outfit if you can fit into one). I will see that Ashton gets a gander of you. By your letter I assume you are much younger than Demi, but if you are way too much younger, say below 16 years old, forget about sending the picture as the Wiz might run into a problem with the Feds who monitor my mail. If all goes well then, it's just a matter of time before your baby comes out of the ether and starts looking for a girl more his own age. I see by your address that you use AOL, so if you have trouble figuring out how to send a picture, write back and the Wizard will provide a step by step manual to accomplish this difficult task.
The Wiz
Dear Wizard of Love,
I feel kind of funny writing this as I really don't have a love problem. I'm one the most famous actresses in the world and my press agent will tell you that all the guys like me. Not that I'm looking for a new guy as I just married the man of my dreams a while back and we are just super happy. I know he loves me deeply as he divorced his wife just to marry me! He's not an actor but he's a great camera man I met on the set of one of my movies and fell in love with. I mean he's not as famous as me but that doesn't make any difference to how truly super happy we are. As a matter of fact we have a lot more in common than people would think. Would you believe we both like are steak done medium rare! One thing though, I don't want him to be uncomfortable with me being more famous than he is so I go to all those Award shows without him. Don't you think that's a good idea? Speaking of Award shows, I didn't get one this year. The critics have been hammering me lately, as a matter of fact. Do you think this is because my husband doesn't have any clout and they think I married beneath me? That could be it, you know. What do you think?
Just Wondering

Dear Just,
No, Julia, I don't think your new hubby has anything to do with what the critics think. Mona Lisa Smiles truly sucked.
The Wiz
Do you luv the Wiz? E-mail the Wiz at wizard@bongonews.com.
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Read these related stories:

Advice Column: Ask the Wizard of Love (6-Aug-03)

More Advice from The Wizard of Love (13-Aug-03)

Wizard of Love Knows Victoria's Secret (20-Aug-03)

Osama Seeks Help from The Wizard of Love (27-Aug-03)

Wizard of Love: Pop Quiz (3-Sep-03)

Abdul Asks the Wizard of Love (10-Sep-03)

Nobody Beats the Wiz, For Advice (17-Sep-03)

Letter from Vegas, From The Wizard of Love (1-Oct-03)

Wizard of Love: Revisited (19-Nov-03)

Paris Hilton Asks the Wizard of Love (3-Dec-03)

Janet Jackson Asks the Wizard of Love (10-Dec-03)

The Wizard of Love: Revolutions (17-Dec-03)

Tom Cruise Asks the Wizard of Love (24-Dec-03)

Martha Stewart Asks the Wizard of Love (31-Dec-03)

Mrs. Joe Lieberman Asks the Wizard of Love (7-Jan-04)

"Mr. Britney Spears" Asks the Wizard of Love (14-Jan-04)

Ashton Kutcher Asks the Wizard of Love (21-Jan-04)

Nicole Kidman Asks the Wizard of Love (28-Jan-04)

"Mrs. Howard Dean" Asks the Wizard of Love (4-Feb-04)

Catherine Zeta Jones Asks the Wizard of Love (18-Feb-04)

The "Leeder of the Free Wirld" Asks the Wizard of Love (25-Feb-04)



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