BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. MAY 5, 2004 Copyright © 2001-2018 Bongo News, Inc.
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Mary J. Blige is Having Ed Bradley's Child

NEW YORK — Mary J. Blige has announced that she will be having Ed Bradley's child in January.

The blonde/black pop star noted, "Yuh see " after we be talkin' on duh "60 Minute' "bout my research in duh PMS, duh bruddah u know he startin' tuggin' on his earring . ... and I started gettin' turned on " like u know " I be gettin' sum frum duh Geezer " cuz den he started tuggin' on his tang " while he be aksing me bout my vaginal secretions during the phase of the menstrual cycle that precedes the uterine endothelial shedding."

Advised that the name of the news program is 60 Minutes, Mary J. countered, " Y'all hear of "50 Cent'? I let him gimme a whoopin' once. Well it not "50 Cents' " it be "50 Cent' y'all " matter of fact " wit duh commercials and what not " I gonna be aksing Don Hewitt to change duh name of duh show to "50 Minute' " or "3/4 of an Hour' cause it be duh same tang y'all " That's it! We call it "3 Quarter.'"

Asked to elaborate on her research into the Premenstrual Syndrome, Ms. Blige first wanted to express thanks to Harvard University for using her song "PMS' to create a fellowship in Female Reproductive Physiology and Endocrinological Regulation to be chaired by "a sistuh Ed Bradley wants me to do while he be conductin' another interview on "3 Quarter.'"

Ms. Blige will also be given an honorary Ph.D. at the Harvard following the delivery of her dissertation on "G Protein Mitochondrial Effects on Cyclic AMP in Mammalian Gonadal Tissue.' The researcher noted, "I have been perplexed by the biochemical variability of the G Protein based upon ribosomal RNA alterations in vitro."

"But dat honky Morley Safer told me after my last show to "concentrate on my G Spot,'" the singer said. "U know I don't need to be takin' dat from sum white "ol man " so I start hittin' him wit dat whip Mike Wallace gave me " dat when Andy Rooney start doin' dat domestic violence tang to me " dat nasty gray bastard " I call him "Hunderd' " and dat when Ed Bradley start makin' me feel so goooooooood " we gonna name duh baby "3' u know " short for duh show "3 Quarter' and all dat y'all."

Van Gross, MD

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