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US Olympic Prospects Look Excellent Given US Lead in Doping
Flo Jo no mo'
SAN FRANCISCO — The Head of the US Olympic Committee is optimistic that US athletes will win the lion's share of gold medals at this year's Summer Games in Athens.
“We have such a big lead over the rest of the world in doping,” said Bill Martin, the USOC head, “it's hard to see how the other countries can compete with us.”
“The US has a technological lead in developing new steroids and growth stimulants, endurance drugs and masking agents,” said an official at the US Doping Agency, “We test our athletes monthly to make sure the masking agents are effective.”
Meanwhile, lawyers for US sprinter, Marion Jones, are threatening to sue anybody who does not acknowledge her world recording braking tolerance of ingesting banned substances. “Marion is a good sprinter but she's more than that,” said one of her attorneys. “She's in a league of her own in tolerance for synthetic chemicals. Flo Jo got more publicity than Marion gets, but Flo didn't have Marion's metabolism, and look at her now! Well, you can't. She's dead.”
Sportcasters have noticed strange growths on Marion's face, back and arm's. “One of the growths looks like a dead fetus, another like an alien,” said one commentator. “It's scary.”
