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Dan Rather, Anchor's Away
NEW YORK Dan Rather has announced he is "voluntarily"ť retiring as anchor and managing editor of the CBS Evening News. Leaving the CBS Eye with a black eye after the fake National Guard report, Rather will stay on as an aging presenter on 60 Minutes, which will provide him with a platform for his politically-slanted views.
"His views may be slanted," said a Bush-hating woman from New York, "but I like his slant. The National Guard documents were fake, but I wish they had been real."
Rather took over the anchor's chair from Walter Cronkite 24 years ago, and has presided over a 24-year ratings decline, falling from the strong first place he inherited to a distant third place among network news anchors. To many viewers, he seemed too tense, too self-important, and too ridiculously folksy.
"I like tense, self important and folksy," said a Los Angeles man who voted for Kerry. "Well, not folksy."
Media specialists speculated that Rather would be replaced by a younger, white male, which would be a surprise.
"We tried an Asian female - Connie Chinko - but we found out that she
couldn't read the words on the monitor," said a network spokesman. "Dan was
under the delusion that he did more than read the monitor. He wanted to be a
"Look what happened when he got involved in stories! We are now going to revert to reading the monitor."
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