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www.bongonews.com DECEMBER 29, 2004 Copyright © 2001-2014 Bongo News, Inc.
   
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Bongo News' Man of the Year for 2004 is SpongeBob SparePants
... Full story

Bongo News' Woman of the Year for 2004 is Paris Hilton
... Full story

Jean Dicksin's Predictions for 2005
... Full story

Why Santa Was Late on Christmas Night
... Full story

Bush Diary " Playing Hyde and Seek; Rummy Visits Troops
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Al Gorenko Disputes Ballots in Southern Ukraine
... Full story

Bush Ancestor Went AWOL During the Crusades
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Robert Blake's Rice Krispies
... Full story

Church of St. Kitty
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Bud Selig Announces a New Curse
The curse of the Bambini is lifted, but watch out for... Full story

Robot Fighter: Jay Leno
Comic book cover by blorno... Full story

Comics We'd Like to See: Doonesbury Blowjob
With apologies to Doonesbury... Full story

Car Talk
Stupid Drawings from a stupid stupid man... Full story

Best of Bongo News 2004
... Full story

Yoko Ono Appointed Spokesperson for New Chemical Castration Drug


yoko ono
NEW YORK — Yoko Ono has been appointed spokesperson for a new chemical castration drug, tentatively called "Chop-Chop." It has just been approved by the FDA after a lengthy delay. It seems laboratory rats wanted nothing to do with her because she was always in the way during recording sessions.

"Let me tell you," said Ms. Ono, speaking from her Chalet in Switzerland. "I know a thing or two about robbing males of their manhood. We considered calling the drug, "Balls-Be-Gone,' but that's the beauty of this drug. It leaves you with your balls intact.

That's why I was approached in the first place. With my help, we get in there and totally screw things around " from the INSIDE! In essence, you're firing blanks. We just wish that OTHER asshole had been firing blanks.

"I was a mere novice when I castrated John. If he were here now, he'd still have his balls. Lucky for me, I still have his millions. By the way, I'm still selling lithographs of his pathetic doodles for five thousand bucks a shot. Just call my office and place your order today. It's in the interest of world peace...John would have wanted it that way.

"Potential side-effects are minimal, at best (and I don't mean Pete), but watch out for the following symptoms:
- Any surviving Beatles may tend to hate your guts
- Your first-born son may start up a web site and accuse you of being a "Lost Soul'
- Uncontrollable urge to purchase John Lennon paraphernalia, including, but not limited to: CD's, books, posters, etc. (all sales are final and all profits go to Yoko Ono Enterprises, Inc.)

"So, what are you waiting for? Now, you can have casual sex with glorified groupies, such as myself, without fear of consequences or messy entanglements. Oh, and did I mention I still have John Lennon lithographs for sale? Peace."

Frank Cassano
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Read these related stories:

John Kerry Desperately Links Himself to John Lennon (16-Jul-03)

Professor Thurgood Spanner and His Next World Radio - This Week's Interview: John Lennon (22-Oct-03)

Paul McCartney Disappoints His Fans Yet Again With His Second Wedding (12-Jun-02)

George Harrison Guitar Case Settled; New Row Over Necrophilia Claim (28-Jan-04)

Garfunkel Was Feeling Groovy (28-Jan-04)

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