BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. JANUARY 12, 2005 Copyright © 2001-2017 Bongo News, Inc.
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Bill Clinton Diary - Still Alive; Visiting Starbucks

Dear Diary,
I woke up this morning and, guess what? I'm still alive!

That was the highpoint of the day and it pretty much went down hill from there. I got up and peed in the toilet, drank some coffee and scanned the morning papers looking for any stories about me. No luck again today.

After a light breakfast of bacon and eggs, hash browns, buttered biscuits, flapjacks, muffins, donuts and hot chocolate, and I padded around the big, empty house here at Chappaqua in my robe and slippers, trying to think of something I could do today. I gave up and asked the Secret Service guys to drive me down to the local Starbucks, where I went straight to the head of the line of people waiting to order. Hey, I was the freakin' President, I don't do lines! I ordered a cappuccino with extra milk and tried to chat up a messy, young woman who was at least 30 pounds overweight " a little bit too skinny for my tastes. But since I hadn't had any booty since the visiting nurse blew me before Christmas, I figured I'd hit on her anyway. I slipped her my phone number. Hope I'll hear from her. Haven't so far.

On the way back to the house, I got the guys to turn on all the flashing lights and sirens so people would look at me! I rolled down the window and shouted out my name to anyone I saw. It was almost like old times, except the motorcade was a lot smaller " one SUV - and the crowds a lot thinner - well, no crowds, actually.

Hil is off in DC, New York or somewhere, I forget where. She's driving me nuts with all her planning and scheming for '08. She's got no chance in Hell. She's not a Southerner, she's not born-again, and she ain't got the charm I used to have until I had my by-pass operation.


The Clinton Diary was obtained by Emma Dubin. Graphics by Mike Pasternack.

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