BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. JANUARY 26, 2005 Copyright © 2001-2018 Bongo News, Inc.
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Bush Diary - Eggnogurashon; Condolizard Confirmashun

Bush Dairy
Dear Jernal,

Wow, I cannot believe Eggnogurashon has come and gone. Good thing the cameras are not at the practices. I fell and that balcony is really high. Good thing Rover broke my fall. As I reflect on the past year, I have thought to myself, "Why did the American peeple elect me again?" So complied a short list.

Top Five Reasons Why I am still La Presdienta:

5. Kerryism just doesn't have the same ring to it as Bushism. Maybe I can publish a book of Kerryisms, but who wants a book full of Kerry flip flops when they can read about me?

4. I thank the Swiftboat Veteran's for Truth for being senile old men and forgetting about what really happened in Vietnam. Hey, I did, too, but because I was wasted.

3. Fundamentalist Republicans reproduce like freaking rabbits. This garnishes lots of votes in the long run.

2. Kerry did not use attack ads featuring the Alabama Bar Tenders for Truth. If so, I would have been dead in the water and Kerry sure would not have rescued me.

1. The affekts of the No Child Left Behind Act will not show until at least 2016, giving the Republicans ample time in power.

Because I overextended our troops and reduced their combat pay, I thought I should honor the troops at the Eggnogurashon. So I decided to have a "Saluting Those Who Serve" event. Unfortunately, Chainsaw and I were thrown out when they found out that we didn't serve. I had a good excuse, though: I am rich.

However, I did attend the "America's Future Rocks" concert. Only the biggest stars were there, such as Hilary (no, not Clinton! Hilary Duff, my secret fantasy!), Three Doors Down and Rubin Studdard. Chainsaw and Powel Movement even sang with Journey. That was orsome!

I invited Willie Nelson, Tracy Chapman, Stevie Wonder, the Dixie Chicks, Bruce Sprinsteen, Grace Slick and Bob Dylan to Gwantanelmo Bay. They all hate America's freedomes, so maybe they'd like a taste of Gwantanelmo!

Those bigoted Senators, John Kerry and Baraba Boxer, delayed the confurmashon of Condo Llizard! That's what you get from radical, left-wing, anti-American, French sucking-up gutless liberals. I never had respect for Boxer. She's racist! Why can't the liberals get over the fact that Blacks can be liars too? Now that is equality! Anyway, loser Democraps from California and Massachusetts do not matter anymore.


P.S. Miss Beasley is not longer "Miss," if you get my drift. Barney needs to be newturd. Bad dog! Well, he can serve as an example of what happens if you brake my abstinence policy. Here that, liberals? Bush has got the clamps. I call it the Abstainator!

The Bush Diary was obtained by KDANTEATER. Graphics by Mike Pasternack.

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