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Mark McGwire Admits to Being a Steroid from the Planet Ster
WASHINGTON, DC "I come from the Planet Ster and I am a Steroid." Drawing gasps from the crowd, the words floated through the Congressional Hearing Room. Homerun Hero, Mark McGwire, had renounced his formerly claimed Irish ancestry and admitted being an alien visitor to this planet.
"I was raised on a diet of creatine, amino acids and androstenedione,"¯ said McGwire, "some 723 light years ago, as a young Ster, My Mom would cook Ster Fries and I would play with my pet Ham Sters while our Jamaican maid sang the Bob Marley song, Ster it Up. We used to vacation on a-Ster-oids."¯
"¯In grade school I met my best friend, Jose Consteroid. We would load up syringes full of steroids and bench press kindergarten teachers.
"¯In high school, I did Steroid research in Chemistry class. I underwent nuclear magnetic spectroscopy and was found to have a molecular weight of 88,744 grams and briefly was converted into an emulsion. My boiling point was raised to 335 degrees. Thus, in my senior year, I was sold as a hydroplane engine coolant. My prom date that year was the daughter of my Auntie Freeze, herself an automotive additive.
"¯At that point, Jose Consteroid and I were sent to Earth and joined the line-up of the Oakland A's. We subsisted on a diet of topical anti-inflammatory steroids, often smearing the stuff on ourselves to such a degree that we were mistaken for giant snowmen. Several Oaklanders were suspicious because it doesn't snow in Oakland. We hit thousands of home runs and the rest is his-Ster-y.
"¯I did celebrate St. Patrick's Day as a phony Irishman. Before arriving here, I marched in the New York parade, danced a jig, and dove into a giant vat of Guinness laced with human growth hormone. I then played in an adult stickball league game in Queens where I hit 112 homeruns in a single inning before lining Jose Consteroid's book into a black hole near the Planet Wastebasket."¯
Van Gross, MD
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