BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes.
www.bongonews.com MARCH 23, 2005 Copyright © 2001-2014 Bongo News, Inc.
   
» back issues

» search site


best of
bongo news



sponsored links


in other news

Scott Peterson to Become Lawn Fertilizer
... Full story

Robert Blake: "I Can't Believe I'm Innocent!"
Scenes from the Robert Blake trial... Full story

Lil' Kim Told a Big Fib
A reader poll on this week’s trials... Full story

Michael Jackson's Feeding Tube Removed
... Full story

Prosecutors Call for More Lying Kids and Scam-Artist Parents to Testify Against Michael Jackson
... Full story

Europeans Oppose Wolfowitz for World Bank Chief, Say He Might Spread Democracy
... Full story

Bush Diary - Lightning Bolt for UN, Wolfy-Watzit for Wurld Bank
... Full story

Heidi Klum is Expecting a Baby Seal
... Full story

Women Found Dead in Water Tank; "We Thought the Water Tasted Better"
... Full story

Cute Animal Photos
Don’t tell PETA or the ASPCA... Full story

Weird Wonder Tales: Jim Carey
Comic book cover by blorno... Full story

Comics We'd Like to See: BC Pokemon
With apologies to BC... Full story

Yip Yap
Stupid Drawings from a stupid stupid man... Full story

Mark McGwire Admits to Being a Steroid from the Planet Ster


mark mcgwire
WASHINGTON, DC — "I come from the Planet Ster and I am a Steroid." Drawing gasps from the crowd, the words floated through the Congressional Hearing Room. Homerun Hero, Mark McGwire, had renounced his formerly claimed Irish ancestry and admitted being an alien visitor to this planet.

"I was raised on a diet of creatine, amino acids and androstenedione," said McGwire, "some 723 light years ago, as a young Ster, My Mom would cook Ster Fries and I would play with my pet Ham Sters while our Jamaican maid sang the Bob Marley song, Ster it Up. We used to vacation on a-Ster-oids."

"In grade school I met my best friend, Jose Consteroid. We would load up syringes full of steroids and bench press kindergarten teachers.

"In high school, I did Steroid research in Chemistry class. I underwent nuclear magnetic spectroscopy and was found to have a molecular weight of 88,744 grams and briefly was converted into an emulsion. My boiling point was raised to 335 degrees. Thus, in my senior year, I was sold as a hydroplane engine coolant. My prom date that year was the daughter of my Auntie Freeze, herself an automotive additive.

"At that point, Jose Consteroid and I were sent to Earth and joined the line-up of the Oakland A's. We subsisted on a diet of topical anti-inflammatory steroids, often smearing the stuff on ourselves to such a degree that we were mistaken for giant snowmen. Several Oaklanders were suspicious because it doesn't snow in Oakland. We hit thousands of home runs and the rest is his-Ster-y.

"I did celebrate St. Patrick's Day as a phony Irishman. Before arriving here, I marched in the New York parade, danced a jig, and dove into a giant vat of Guinness laced with human growth hormone. I then played in an adult stickball league game in Queens where I hit 112 homeruns in a single inning before lining Jose Consteroid's book into a black hole near the Planet Wastebasket."

Van Gross, MD
ADVERTISEMENT

Read these related stories:

Laura Bush Admits to Using Steroids on Her Rear End (16-Mar-05)

Barry Bonds Thought Steroids Were Flaxseed Oil and Arthritis Rub (15-Dec-04)

Bush Diary - I Want the GoDaddy Girl; Texas Rangers Did Do Steroids (9-Feb-05)

And They Say They Didn't Use Steroids (23-Feb-05)

Clinton Presidential Library: First Ladies Discuss Their Sex Lives (24-Nov-04)

Chirac and Laura Bush Have a Tryst (1-Oct-03)

personal ad
of the week




Subscribe to Bongo News


bongo recommends

bongo news
merchandise

Subscribe to Bongo News

Copyright © 2001-2014 Bongo News, Inc. | Terms of service | Privacy policy | How to advertise | About us

The Web's Wittiest News Satire

RSS Feed


Warning: fopen(cachedpages/1708.html) [function.fopen]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/content/82/7940582/html/layout3.php on line 247

Warning: fwrite(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/82/7940582/html/layout3.php on line 248

Warning: fclose(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/82/7940582/html/layout3.php on line 249