BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. APRIL 13, 2005 Copyright © 2001-2017 Bongo News, Inc.
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Intrigue at the Pope's Funeral
... Full story

Eliot Spitzer Launches an Investigation of the Late Pope
... Full story

Brad Pitt is Caught in Bed with Angelina Jolie
... Full story

Spammer Sentenced to Hard Labor: Deleting All the E-Mails He Sent
... Full story

Diana's Ghost Haunts Charles, Who Makes Camilla's Son Heir to the Throne
... Full story

Separated at Birth: Princess Diana and Prince William
... Full story

Separated at Birth: James Hewitt and Prince Harry
Continuing our series of lookalikes... Full story

Mother-in-Law = Woman Hitler, and Other Anagrams
Anagrams by Laurie... Full story

Sporting Accidents
The thrill of victory and the agony of de feet... Full story

Guys and Sports
... Full story

The Magic of Aria: Elisha Cuthbert
Comic book cover by blorno... Full story

Comics We'd Like to See: BC Smartass
With apologies to BC... Full story

Stupid Drawings from a stupid stupid man... Full story

Bush Diary - Clinton's Mistake at Pope's Funeral; Don't Delay's Wife on Payroll

Bush Dairy
Dear Jernal,
The Pope's funeral was orsome! The Cardinals were all in red and white, just like the St. Louis Cardinals! But Bill Clinton made a big mistake in saying the Pope's legacy was mixed; who the heck is he to talk? The Pope practiced abstinence; so should Clinton! Guess what? When I was on TV during the funeral, the Eye-talians were booing someone: must have been Clinton! Later, Ted Kennedy got drunk at the wake.

So what if Don't Delay's wife and dawter were on his payroll? Kerry financed his campane with his wife's munny! Don't Delay told me that elves magically put his family on the rolls, like Elf Rover magically took black voters off of them. That will teach them to vote Democrap. If Don't Delay's family got munny from his campaign payroll, it will trickle down eventually. Don't Delay is the most moral person I know, next to me and Jesus.

Tom DeLay Oh, I met with my Cabinut and bearly recognized 'em! Good news is I found them! Now if I can only find Ben Lennon. By the way, I shook hands with that Saddam-loving Shellac at the Pope's funeral. Did you know that France has un-past-your-eyes brie of mass destruction? Only processed American cheese is truly patriotized!

Transforming Social Security will be like transforming Megatron. It will be like a cool action robot machine with wheels and lazers to fire. Bang bang bomb pow! Yeah! We have an obligation to take the system wurk for a younger generation of Americans. Young Americans to the slot machines! Last one there will lose they're benefits! Or maybe the first one there, who knows?

Medicare The elders could trust Medicare for there needs if we personalized it. Sum experts say that it is worse off than Social Security, but you know what I think about EX-perts. I know how to prioritize threats, like Eye-rack versus North Corea!

The answer is clear: we must fix Medicare by fighting wars. War is the answer for everything, even broken sinks. So what if we enter a financial crisis? America will be better off after another Depression. It will put the liberal elites in their place and force them to pull themselves up from their bootstraps!


P.S. Chainsaw joined a sushi cult and now worships a caviar-encrusted dog-God, but it is alright because his religion embraces oil and the all mighty dollar. God's plan! However, the vergin sacrifices, while consistent with my abstinence program, will not go over too well with the Pro-Lifers!

The Bush Diary was obtained by KDANTEATER

Read these related stories:

Bush Diary - Cabinut Members Scat; U-Crane Poisoning (15-Dec-04)

Bush Diary - Ecanomic Summet, My Chrissmas Video (22-Dec-04)

Bush Diary "“ Playing Hyde and Seek; Rummy Visits Troops (29-Dec-04)

Bush Diary — The Soonami; My New Year's Rezolushon (5-Jan-05)

Bush Diary - Paying Stretch Armstrong: Barbara Boxer Body Blow (12-Jan-05)

Bush Diary "“ What, No WMDs?; I'm Abducted by Aliens (19-Jan-05)

Bush Diary - Eggnogurashon; Condolizard Confirmashun (26-Jan-05)

Bush Diary - I Want the GoDaddy Girl; Texas Rangers Did Do Steroids (9-Feb-05)

Bush Diary - Valentine's Day Pretzel; Year of the Cock (16-Feb-05)

Bush Diary - I Visit Euro-land; Weinik Tapes Me (23-Feb-05)

Bush Diary - My Lying Contest with RasPutin; I'm in Paris Hilton's T-Mobile Phone! (2-Mar-05)

Bush Diary - The Problum With Social Security is That it Costs a Lot! (9-Mar-05)

Bush Diary - The Eye-talian Jernalist We Shot Was a Commie Rat! (16-Mar-05)

Bush Diary - Easter Egg WMDs; Rummy Wants to Occupy Her Fallujah (30-Mar-05)

Bush Diary - Ex-Diplomats Are Like Ex-Wives; US Foreign Policy is Based on "˜The Matrix' (6-Apr-05)

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