BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. MAY 18, 2005 Copyright © 2001-2017 Bongo News, Inc.
» back issues

» search site

personal ad
of the week

best of
bongo news

sponsored links

in other news

Paris Hilton Visits Madam Tussaud's - Which One is the Dummy?
Can you spot the difference... Full story

Angelina Jolie Likes to Smell Brad's Pitts
... Full story

Dave Chappelle Says 'I'm Not Crazy'
... Full story

Dan Rather to Join Newsweek to Improve Its Journalistic Integrity
... Full story

Rumsfeld to Close All Military Bases in the US
... Full story

Dick Cheney Found in Bowl of Wendy's Chili
... Full story

HOV Lines Changed to HIV Lanes in the Deep South
... Full story

Pope Fires Swiss Guards, Installs Storm Troopers
... Full story

Donald Trump Wants to Be More Involved in Breast Research
... Full story

... Full story

Bad Places to Take a Dump
When nature calls... Full story

Wolverine: George Bush
Comic book cover by blorno... Full story

Comics We'd Like to See: BC Balls
With apologies to BC... Full story

Bush Diary - Red Alurt Force-Field Keeps White House Attack Plain at Bay!

Bush Dairy
Dear Jernal,
Hey, they did not tell me until after the alurt was over that a plain was attacking the White House and that Laura has been moved to a bunker! I was riding my bycicle in Maryland at the time. Why did they not tell me? "˜Cause I got "˜em traned not to interrupt me when I'm reeding to children, playing golf, or riding my bike. Every time they did that I always waited 7 minutes before reacting. Now they know not to do it and I get more uninterrupted, quality recreashon time! And peeple say I'm dum!

Hitler had a bunker, and so do I! Mein bunker is under zee Vite House, and it is more cumftable than da Fuhrer's rat hole. I have a putting green, exorcise eqwipment and ESPN, so in an emurgency I can relax until Chainsaw tells me what I should do!

Heer is the pilot of the plain being arrested. This is what happens if u try to interrupt me exorcising!

Whoah! Yet another former Cabinut member has become a flip-flopper! Tom Boy Ridge now says he did not want to elevate the alurt levels! He'd better get ready to bump his alurt level to RED! There's a reeson why Chainsaw and Rover overruled Tom Boy and made him do it. We wanted to instill feer into the American peeple or else we would not have won the thing where peeple vote! It is not antimidation, as that Kerry fella puts it, it is just making extra sure that God's will prevales over the peeple's.

Tom Boy has no right reveeling that I lied! He is not a good Christian, but a gay-terrorist lover! Anyway, we are safer without him. After the elecshon, we hardly ever raze the alurt level any more. Tom Boy will be blushing when he hears that the plain came three miles from the White House. By razing the alurt level to red, the red force field kept the plain away! That will keep me safe. If the force field doesn't work, we will shoot the next plain down! So I tell my dawters not to take the Delta Shuttle from New York, but insted to take the trane.

We have a plan for the airports! Better metal detectors. As you can tell, this guy has a gun up his ass!

At furst I was worried that the boys at Gwantanimated Bay had flushed a Corean guy down a toilet! But it turned out to be a Koran. So what, I say! Let's take the Koran for what it is wurth. It's a terrorist training manual! That is why we must flush or burn every copy! It also promises the teroristz 72 vergins, whereas the real Bible says there should be abstinence. All I can say is that abstinence makes the heart grow fonder! It makes something else grow too!

Luckily nobody in the US heard about the leeked Eye-rack memo that said that US intelligence was shaped to support the drive for war. Hey, tell me that we have never lied ourselves into war before! Remember Vietnam, because I sure the heck don't! At least the liberal media has not jumped on this story.

Senator Volvo is another Republican flip-flopper! First he was for Lightning Bolt, then he was against him, but then he let his nommynashon go to the Senate floor, where I hope nobody treads on it! Senator Volvo said that Lightning Bolt would be fired if he owned a hotdog stand! Well, just as well he doesn't, "˜cause I need him for a much more impawtent job, squashing dissenters at the UN! Watch out Coffee, you about to turn into water when Lightning Bolt starts screaming at you. Hahahaha!


P.S. Florida peeple love there guns! Now they can shoot at anything they want to. Maybe the NRA can get that commie, Clint Curtis! Also, in case they see peeple who may vote Democrap as a threat, they can open fire! It is not antimidation, it's God's plan. Jesus said, "don't act violinly against those who are evil, except for Muzzle-ims, Democraps and anyone besides Jerry Fallwell, Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh and George W. Bush." Sorry Laura and Barney, but you didn't make the exclusive list.

The Bush Diary was obtained by KDANTEATER. Julio Cesar translated some of the writing.

Read these related stories:

Subscribe to Bongo News

bongo recommends

bongo news

Subscribe to Bongo News

Copyright © 2001-2017 Bongo News, Inc. | Terms of service | Privacy policy | How to advertise | About us

The Web's Wittiest News Satire

RSS Feed