BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. JANUARY 18, 2006 Copyright © 2001-2018 Bongo News, Inc.
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Walter Cronkite Says Pull Out of Vietnam Now!

NEW YORK — Hearing-impaired, if not cognitively-challenged legend, Walter Cronkite, 89, has called for the immediate withdrawal of American troops from Vietnam.

"And that's the way it was, Friday, November 22, 1963," said Cronkite. "John F. Kennedy has been shot. What, what? I can't hear you. Speak up."

Cronkite uttered his call to withdraw troops from Vietnam on Face the Nation this week, adding that the U.S. should end the Korean War now.

"I sometimes believe the My Lai Massacre will spread to the jungles of Detroit," he said. "And that's the way it was. April 4, 1968. Martin Luther King has been shot. I'm Walter Cronkite.

"The U.S. must withdraw from Iraq. We can't let the wishes of the military industrial complex spread to Iraq to duplicate the quagmire that was Vietnam. And that's the way it was, Sunday, November 32, 1800 B.C. Lee Harvey Oswald has been shot."

Although once acknowledged as the most trusted man in America, Cronkite, in fact, was never more than a cue card newsreader for much of his career.

"I have no military experience," he admitted. "I have never won an election. But I can use a special inflection of speech when someone gets shot. That's important for Americans. You just need the idiosyncratic speech pattern."

Implanting mythology into his cerebrum as fact, Cronkite has expanded upon the admonition of the late President Lyndon Baines Johnson. LBJ had said, "If you lose Cronkite, you lose Middle America."

"I like to say, if you lose Cronkite, you lose the Solar System," said the near nonogenerian. "The Planet Uranus has been shot. Comet dust created by my news broadcasting from 62 billion miles away was transported to my Kingdom at an Assisted Living Center in Downtown Milwaukee today. And that's the way it was, Thursday, June 343489234-028, 16 thousand light years after the death of Robert Kennedy. I repeat. Robert Kennedy has been shot. I'm Walter Cronkite, King of the Solar System. And that's the way it was. What, what? Talk louder."

Van Gross, MD

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