BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. JULY 31, 2002 Copyright © 2001-2017 Bongo News, Inc.
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Celebrities Flock to Join Ted Williams in Freezing Their Bodies
Celebrity Brainfreezer... Full story

78 Spectators are Killed in Ukrainian Air Show Crash
Plane crashes at air show... Full story

Stamp Prices Will Rise to Pay for Lance Armstrong's Tour de France Win
Lance increases stamp prices... Full story

Stockalypse Now! Stock Market In Free Fall

Gimme five
WASHINGTON, DC — With the US stock market in a death spiral, panic set in across the nation and around the world.

As their own markets fell in unison with the US market, the rest of the world stopped complaining that the United States was an isolationist, economic bully. "Please get rich and bully us again," the other countries begged.

"Well, the silver lining is that the rich aren't getting richer," said Tom Daschle, the Democratic leader of the Senate. "We are narrowing the gap between the rich and the poor, which has always been our party's policy."

"What's that up in the sky," said one pedestrian in the canyons of Wall Street. "Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's my broker!"

As the market staged a brief rally, one broker plunging to his death tried to stop his fall by reaching for the flagpole on the mezzanine floor of a building. Oops, bad luck.

Meanwhile, seeking to calm investors, Alan Greenspan predicted that the Dow Jones index would not fall below 5,000.

Read these related stories:

Alan Greenspan Receives An Honorary Knighthood From Queen Elizabeth (2-Oct-02)

Bono Meets With Tom Daschle (6-Mar-02)

Santa is Arrested for Breaking and Entering (26-Dec-01)

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