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Bush Cancels Scheduled Hunting Trip with Cheney


Bush
WASHINGTON, DC — White House sources confirmed today that President Bush has canceled his scheduled hunting trip with Vice President, Dick Cheney.

"The president regrets that his other priorities must take precedence for the foreseeable future," said spokesman Scott McClellan. "He's really, really busy. Being President takes up a lot of time, as you know. Although the President would have enjoyed the trip, he's staying on the job and doing his best for the American people instead."

Allen Stokes of Vacation Watch, an organization devoted to tracking President Bush's record-breaking number of vacation days, took a different stance. "We find that explanation unlikely. Bush doesn't turn down vacations. In fact, he's fond of taking them during national emergencies."

An anonymous White House source explained, "The problem is that Bush knows Cheney couldn't hit a barn if you stood him five feet in front of it and pointed the gun for him. Bush won't even play paintball with Cheney. Darts in the oval office is out of the question. All of this is why Lynne Cheney wears a flak jacket around the house whenever Dick is getting ready for one of his hunting trips."

Lynne Cheney denied this allegation during a telephone interview. "It's silly. Where on earth would I find a flak jacket? Everyone knows there's not enough protective gear to go around. Dick helped make sure of that with his no-bid Iraqi war contracts. Honestly, I don't know where you people get such ideas."

According to Washington ophthalmologist, Dr. Henry Leithauser, rumors have long circulated about Vice President Cheney's vision problem. "He's clearly near-sighted. I might say short-sighted as well, if you were to inquire about the administration's policies. However, you asked me my medical rather than my political opinion. Well, I believe it's safe to say that when a man on a hunting trip shoots someone else by accident, and explains that he "just didn't see him," it might be time for a visit to Lens Crafters."

The National Rifle Association defended Cheney's actions in an official statement. These kinds of incidents happen all the time. But guns don't shoot hunting companions, Vice Presidents do. Do any of us know why the VP opened fire? Our guess is that he had valid reasons and defended himself with his firearm. It's why we have a Second Amendment. We support the Vice President's right to shoot his hunting companion, although nobody here at the NRA has plans to go hunting with Mr. Cheney."

Similar sentiments were expressed by members of Vice President Cheney's Secret Service detail.

"Would I take a bullet for Vice President Cheney?" said one agent. "Of course, but it's not my job to take a bullet FROM Vice President Cheney. I'll be calling in sick for the next hunting trip."

Robert Friedman
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