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Hearings About Domestic Eavesdropping Spied On
WASHINGTON, DC — Attorney General Alberto Gonzales today revealed that the Senate Judiciary Committee hearings about domestic eavesdropping were spied on by a wide assortment of clandestine government agencies.
"Of course they were keeping an eye on the proceedings," said Gonzales. "Our goal is to keep America safe. The best way to do so is to spy on everyone and everything at all times. For example, while observing my neighbor through binoculars at night, I've learned that she wears a purple thong and matching bra. What if those items were manufactured overseas? This could mean that she has established close contact with foreign terrorists. After all, what has closer contact with you than your undergarments? It's this kind of reasoned, analytical thinking that is keeping our country safe.
"More specifically, I find the backgrounds of the various Senate Judiciary Committee members to be quite dubious. Senator Joseph Biden, for example, has admitted to taking numerous Iraqi fact-finding missions. Aren't the insurgents in Iraq? And wasn't Joe Biden in Iraq? Logic shows the clear connection between Joe Biden and the insurgency. Of course we should watch him and, if necessary, use enhanced interrogation techniques to extract the truth from Mr. Biden.
"Senators Arlen Specter and Lindsay Graham made their negative views of warrantless domestic surveillance fairly clear during the hearings. The question I need to ask, of course, is why are they opposed to such activity? What do these supposedly loyal men have to hide? If you're innocent, should you be disturbed that your every action is under constant surveillance by the government that represents you? Of course not. Only guilty citizens should be concerned."
Added NSA operative, John Smith, who happened to be standing nearby in a trench coat and mirror shades, "I can attest to the fact that most Americans are trustworthy, because I've listened to tens of thousands of random phone calls. But, you know, eavesdropping is really fun. You wouldn't believe some of the personal stuff you get to hear on this job. It's a great gig."
"The only individual I trust these days is my mother," said another observer, who asked to be identified by the letter Q. "And that's only because she knows I'd ship her skinny ass to Guantanamo if I ever catch her cheating at our monthly Scrabble game in the nursing home."
Trust lies at the heart of the domestic surveillance issue, according to Political Science professor Gordon Liddy of Bob Jones University. (Mr Liddy is not related to the famous Watergate conspirator of the same name.) "God watches us constantly, so why can't the government? Just as trust is a key issue in any marriage - you can ask my soon-to-be ex-wife - it is a key issue in the relationship between a country and its citizens. I will say that I certainly don't trust my wife any longer, at least not since she ran off with my department head, Dr. Sullivan. So maybe the government is correct in mistrusting the citizenry of this fair nation. Any one of us is capable of betrayal in the faculty lounge, and even on the simulated leather sofa in my own office while I'm down the hallway teaching a seminar on faith-based initiatives. None of us can be trusted. And that's the real reason for watching us all like hawks."
Vice President Dick Cheney added his own thoughts about warrantless domestic
surveillance via e-mail from his secret Vice-Presidential bat cave. "I just want Americans to know that we're spying on them for their own good. Dangerous terrorists live among us. Most of them are Democrats, though some are moderate Republicans. Whatever political affiliation they claim, however, they are insurgents at heart. Once these insurgents have been eliminated, by legal or other means, I may return to plain sight. Until that time arrives, however, I will remain here in seclusion watching you all via webcam. Have a nice day."
