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Cat Stevens Beheaded by Marauding Anglican Delinquents
LONDON — Ysuf Islam, the recording artist formerly known as Cat Stevens, who converted to Islam and left the public eye many years ago, was attacked, beheaded and dismembered by a disgruntled group of adolescents.
The twelve suspects in custody all hail from St Peter's Parish Academy for Foundling and Homicidal Boys, a locally-founded but church-run and church-funded, after-school program for the at-risk in Square Clump upon Large Clump at Frog Pool Manor on the green in southeast Chislehurst, United Kingdom.
"And if I ever lose me head
No I won't cry and I won't beg
No I won't cry and I won't beg
Because
Because
Because I just lost me f**kin’ head"
It is hoped that the arrests will end a recent series of violent incidents, including the apparent ritualistic slaughter and consumption of several Afghan hounds in this quiet working-class London suburb, where local residents have been upset and the community on edge for weeks.
"We really can't say what came over the little blighters," reports headmaster Father Michael. "We mostly encourage toleration and kindness at St Peter's but, I assure you, we've just had a breakthrough and we'll soon get to the bottom of it."
Mr. Islam had recently returned to London in hopes of rekindling his recording career with a new album. More Tea for the Tillerman, that combined his folk style with "haunting eastern riffs and rhythms," reports Islam's agent, Lenny Frankowitz.
Mr. Frankowitz, who specializes in come backs and has represented such hopefuls as Neil Sedaka, John Lennon, Pee Wee Herman, John Denver and David Crosby, had been working with Islam and British rocker, Eric Clapton, in recent weeks. Frankowitz, who was visibly shaken by the news of Islam's death, commented that "while our project is on hold, we still have a contract."
