BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. AUGUST 30, 2006 Copyright © 2001-2017 Bongo News, Inc.
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Expat Teacher Confesses to Killing Abraham Lincoln

BANGALORE, India — Bangalore police have taken into custody an expatriate American school teacher after he told his class he shot Abraham Lincoln in Washington's Ford Theatre in 1865.

An eighth grade student at the international school told his father, a police captain, of his teacher's confession, which let to the teacher's arrest.

The teacher was from Springfield, Illinois, where residents were shocked at the news.

"He appeared a very normal kid," said his former Little League coach.

A spokesman for the Springfield Police Department said the teacher would be extradited to the U.S. in a few days. He would not disclose what evidence was in the hands of the local district attorney, but hinted that prints and some DNA evidence were being examined.

An FBI investigator who flew to India to prepare the papers for his return, said she spoke to the teacher.

"He said he and Lincoln were neighbors in Springfield, and that Lincoln regularly disturbed his sleep by playing his TV at high volume all night," she said. "He also said Lincoln's Harley Davidson motorcycle had no muffler and was very loud. He said that he shot Lincoln from a balcony in Ford's theatre after following him to Washington. He said he couldn't stand the noise anymore."

The FBI in Washington said that Lincoln's body would probably be exhumed from under the Lincoln Memorial, and the bullet which killed him would be extracted.

"We will try to verify that it was from a 9mm Glock automatic, as the teacher claims," said a spokesman.

Meanwhile, CNN's Nancy Grace has asked her TV audience to e-mail its opinion as to whether the teacher did or did not shoot Lincoln.

Gunther Schnitzell

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