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Walrus Smitten With Trainer
NIAGARA FALLS, Ontario To the delight of many visitors, a trainer at the Marineland amusement park has recently captured the affections of a female walrus. Five year old Smooshi had become increasingly smitten with her trainer ever since his arrival from Belarus four years ago.
"Smooshi followed Phil everywhere," said a senior Marineland veterinarian. "She even barked whenever he left her sight, or visited with other animals. It was really quite adorable."
However, the storybook romance soon turned sour when Smooshi waddled in on her trainer drinking a can of Fresca. The walrus quickly filed assault charges against Demers, and stated to Niagara police, "Oh my God, I touched him. He's probably given me the Gay. It'll penetrate my thick hide in a way that Arctic water never could."
It was not long until the Canadian Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, weighed in on this issue. He asserted that this "predatory trainer" was obviously involved in some sort of flaming, Communist/Separatist conspiracy.
"He does come from Russia, after all," said Harper, "and godless degenerates are often lured into alliances with The Bloc."
The Minister of Foreign Affairs, Peter McKay was also joined the fray. "They're called Pinkos for a reason, folks. Their socks refuse to clash with their shoes, and they promote that swishy, equity crap"'
When reached for comment, Marineland officials simply replied, "Vodka, vodka. Sharing, sharing."